The Gang Visits New Orleans
by mackd
Summary: The Gang plans a vacation trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. In their quest for beads, breasts, and wild adventures; mishaps and shenanigans ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**The Gang Visits New Orleans**

 **Chapter 1 – The final twelve**

 _March 30_

 _Some Year between 2017 and 2021_

 _4:30 PM_

 _Paddy's Pub_

The gang is sitting around around the bar conversing as Dennis walks into the bar.

"Hey Charlie, did you get the tickets yet." asked Dennis

"Hey man. Yo, check this out. I found a way for us to save a lot of money." bragged Charlie

"Check it man," said Charlie, taking out his smartphone "I just saved $400 on our tickets. All I did was changed the our flight date forward one week." said Charilie.

"Yo, thats pretty smart Charlie." said Mac.

"What! God Dammit Charlie." yelled Dennis

"What. I got us a good deal." retored Charlie

"God dammit, you idiot. We were supposed to go to New Orleans for the week for Mardi Gras. Its going to over by next week." yelled Dennis

"Look I just figured that we can beat the crowds. Everybody is going that date so the tickets cost more. But I outsmarted the system man, I just picked a different date when there's less people. Its genious dude." said Charlie

"Hey, he's got a point there." said Mac

"What? No. No. What the hell," yelled Dennis agitaged. "No one wants to go to New Orleans after Mardi Gras. Thats fucking pointless. The whole point is to go _for_ Mardi Gras."

"Come on man. Dude, they got to have Mardi Gras all year around man. Its fucking New Orleans, like pa- pa- par-tey, city man. They gotta have stuff happening there. Look man, I am sure you can find a parade or tiddies, or some party to go to somewheres." said Charlie

"What, no. What parades. There are no parades. No parties or tiddies. Theres nothing there after Mardi Gras. God dammit Charlie." said Dennis.

"Come on, back me up on this Mac." said Charlie

"He's right. Dude man, just watch _any_ movie or show that has New Orleans in it. Its always Mardi Gras there man." said Mac

"What! No! Oh God, what are you talking about. Those are movies. We're talking about real life here. God dammit it." said Dennis

"Alright, alright. Fine. I change the date back. But it will now cost us $900 more to change it back." said Charlie

"No one is changing anything." said Frank

"What. No. We all agreed that we would go do Mardi Gras in New Orleans." protested Dennis.

"Well, its _my_ credit card. I am paying for the trip, so I say no. I am not paying an extra $900." said Frank.

"Ok, you know what. Fine. Fine. We'll go to New Orleans _after_ Mardi Gras," conceeded Dennis. "I guess we won't get to see tiddies then."

"Oh oh, excuse me. Looking at tiddies is the only thing that matters to you guys? Thats bullshit." protested Dee

"Man, shut up Dee." said Charlie

"Ok, enough," yelled Dennis. "Mac and Frank, you guys take care of the rest. Get us a hotel and rent a car."

"What, what about me. What do I do." asked Charlie

"Oh, you've done enough. Let them handle it." said Dennis.

"One or two rooms." asked Frank

"I think one is fine." said Charlie

"What. No, I am not rooming with you guys. In case you haven't noticed I am the only woman here." protested Dee.

"Hey guys, whats up." said Cricket, walking into the bar.

"Ccccrrrrricketttttttttttt." the gang greeted Cricket in unison

"Oh, we're just planning our trip to New Orleans. We will go to parades and look at tiddies." said Charlie.

"Oh cool, can't wait to visit. Are we going on SouthWest or Delta." asked Cricket.

The gang looked around, looked at each other uncomfortably.

"Um. Um.," said Mac "Who said you're going with us."

"Oh, come on you guys." said Cricket

"You have $300 for the plane ticket, plus money for a hotel." asked Mac.

The gang and Cricket looked around, starring uncomfortably.


	2. Chapter 2 -- Just get on the plane

**Chapter 2 – Just get on plane Charlie**

 _10:30 AM_

 _Monday_

 _Philadelphia International Airport_

Charlie sends The Waitress a "bye bye" text on his smartphone.

The gang was getting out of the car, taking out their luggage. Dee was carrying one heavy bag and dragging one rolling bag. Every other member of _the gang_ had one rolling luggage each. They all also had some carry-ons as well. Frank had a small bottle of whiskey.

"Bye guys, have a fun trip." said Cricket, as Dennis handed him a $5-bill.

"I can't believe you trust that guy with your car." said Dee

"Don't worry Dee. Besides, he's much cheaper than an Uber." replied Dennis

"But what if he gets in a wreck," retorted Dee. "You know he doesn't have insurance, and he doesn't have any money."

"Got damnit it. Nothings gonna happen." said Dennis, "And besides; its not like we're trusting him to tend the bar or anything. Relax."

"Ok, so _who is_ tendingthe bar?" asked Mac.

"The McPoyles off course." said Dennis

\- _Talking at the same time_ -

"What!" - Mac.

"God damnit. What. Are you crazy" - Dee

"No, you can't pick the McPoyles. No way Dennis" - Charlie

"They're gonna rob us again. We're better off just closing the bar." - Dee

"God damnit. Guys, guys. I hired the McPoyles and that's final." - Dennis

"No. No. You can't hire the McPoyles." - said Dee, highly agitated

"Hey, you're blocking the exit." yelled a random stranger, as he was walking out the exit with his luggage.

"Damn, that guy was so rude." said Mac

"I know right. Come on, lets go." said Dennis as the gang walked through the door of the airport.

"Guys, is anyone gonna help me with my luggage." asked Dee, struggling with her luggage

The gang looked around, confused.

"Who told you to pack all that shit?" said Mac

"Yeah Dee, you don't need all that shit. We're only going to be in the city for a week. What the hell do you need all that luggage for. What you got in there anyway, 14 pairs of shoes?" said Dennis.

The rest of the gang laughed at Dee.

"Well excuse me. There's nothing wrong with looking good," retorted Dee. "Besides, you're supposed to be _men_. You're supposed to help a woman out when she's struggling with heavy things."

\- _Talking at the same time again_ -

"Um, No, screw that. You women want to be equal, and its not like I am gonna be dating any of you guys anymore anyway. I am washing my hands." said Mac

"Dee, you're getting old. No one's gonna care about how you look anyway, cause if I am being frank, you'll never be hot." said Dennis.

"Oh God damnit. I'll have the last laugh when I bring home more beads than the rest of you combined." said Dee.

"Next in line." said the SouthWest gate agent.

"You know what, fine, lets make a bet." said Dee

"God damn it Dee, there's not going to be any parades. There's no Mardi Gras, its already passed." said Dennis agitated. "And besides, no one's gonna throw you beads anyway. You're too old and _your girls_ are too flat."

"Ok, I am in. I love bets?" said Charlie.

" **I said next in line."** yelled the SouthWest check-in agent.

The gang handed the check-in agent their non-carry-on luggage. "Bags fly free, bitches." said Dee to the gang as they all walked forward.

"Ok, you know what, lets make a bet." said Charlie

"Ok, fine. Whats the bet." said Dennis

"I bet you that there WILL be a Mardi Gras when we get there, and that we'll catch a whole bunch of beads." said Mac.

"I want in. And if I catch more beads that the rest of you, I win." said Dee.

"Ok, fine, and if there won't be any Mardi Gras just like I told you guys, Mac and Dee, you have to do Charlie work for a week. And Charlie, you get demoted to doing Cricket work." said Dennis.

"Fine. And what if there is." said Mac

"You have to sleep with an old man again like last time. You know, from that time you couldn't make it in the suburbs." said Frank

"And also, if I catch more beads than the rest of you guys combined, you all have to pay me $5 bucks. Each." said Dee

"And if you don't." said Mac

"Then I'll pay the winner five bucks." replied Dee

"Alright, so here's the deal. If Dee catches more beads than all of us _combined_ we all each give her five bucks. But, if she doesn't, whoever catches the most most beads, Dee has to give them five bucks." said Mac.

"Yeah, ok, but I what I don't understand is, if Dee catches more beads than all of us, but not more than us combined, what happens then." asked Charlie

"Well, then obviously its a tie Dee and the rest of us." said Mac, then continued. "Dennis will just sleep with an old man for losing the other bet." as the gang agreed.

"Ok, we're all in." asked Charlie.

"I am in." said the gang.

" **Sir, I am going to confiscate that. No liquids allowed."** said the security guy to Frank.

"What, thats bullshit." said Frank.

"Hand it over." said the security agent, sternly.

"Fine." said Frank. "This is a bunch of government bullshit."

"Don't worry Frank, I am going to filibuster the airport later with legal motions in court to get your whiskey back." said Charlie as the agent threw the bottle in the trash.

Charlie took off his shoes like everyone else. The gang, security guards, and nearby passengers pinched their noses to avoid the foul smell. "What?" said Charlie, looking at everybody

The metal detector went off on Mac and Dennis as they walked through. "Step this way." said the security guy. Mac and Dennis were getting padded down by security guys as Dee and Charlie laughed at them.

"Oh, God dammnit." said Dennis as he got padded down.

"Man, this is like a violation of my civil liberties." said Mac

"Oh shut up, I know you liked that." said Dennis.

"What. Thats bullshit. Thats homophobic bullshit. You know, its not like all gay guys want to be groped by someone just because that someone is another guy. I can't believe you made that assumption." said Mac

The alarm went off on Dee as she stepped through the metal detector. Dee smiled coyly at the large security guard as she said "Hi there. You may frisk my body. You may take my liberty. But you will never, take, my freeeeedom." said Dee in her acting voice, slightly excited at t he prospect of getting frisked.

"What, what are you doing Dee." said Dennis disapprovingly

"Step over this way." said the guy in mild disgust, pointing towards another security guard, a large black woman.

"Oh, God dammit." said Dee, as she was being frisked by the female security guard. Mac and Charlie laughed at her.

The gang continued walking forward, barely making to the gate on time.

Charlie looked back. "Man, where the hell is the waitress."

"What. What the hell are you talking about." said Dennis.

"Oh you know. Its like those love movies. When someone has feelings for you, thats what they do." replied Charlie.

"What are you talking about. No. No one does that." said Dennis agitated.

"I believe he's right." said Mac

"Sure they do. It happens like in all the movies. When you leave at the airport, if someone loves you, they chase you down and try to stop you in the last minute. Thats what you're _supposed to do_ whenyou're in love." said Charlie

"Oh, no. God dammit Charlie. Those are dumb chick flick moves. No one does that in real life. Besides, she doesn't love you; two, we're only gone for a week; three, you're the one stalking _her_ , and; four, she doesn't even know what gate we're in." said Dennis agitated.

" **There's not going to be any waitresses chasing you down, and there isn't going to be any beads, God-damit. Those are just movies."** yelled Dennis angrily, while the whole airport stared at him.

"You know what I don't understand." said Mac, just barely outside a security guard's earshot "Why did they confiscate Frank's booze."

"Because of God damn Muslim terrorists man. I am mean I am not like anit-Muslim, or anything. I am just saying." said Charlie

"No, thats not what I was getting at." said Mac. "I mean lets say that we _were_ terrorists." continued Mac.

"I mean if we hid explosives in the whiskey bottle, they just threw it right there in the trash in the middle of the isle. I mean think about." said Mac

"Guys, shut up. Stop talking about terrorists." said Dennis

"Yeah, because if security arrests us I will tell them I am not with you gu-" said Dee, interrupted.

"Shut up Dee" said Mac and Dennis.

"No, I am serious, the bomb would just explode killing all the people in line. So theres like really no point in taking the whiskey bottle from Frank. Like I am not a terrorist, but I mean say I was one; thats exactly what I would do. Just put a bomb in the whiskey bottle, and have it explode in the garbage can when they take it." said Mac, with a gate agent just barely not hearing him.

"Oh my God, thats a really good point," said Charlie, "Frank, when we got back, I am gonna tell them that in court and sue them."

"God damnit. No, no. Stop talking about terrorists and lawsuits. Just get on the plane all of you. God damnit it." said Dennis.

"Get on the plane?" asked Charlie.

"No, screw you. I am getting _in_ the plane." joked Charlie, as the gang laughed.

"Oh God damnit it Charlie, just get on the plane." yelled Dennis angrily

"Welcome to SouthWest airlines. I hope you will enjoy our flight to New Orleans." said the flight attendant as the gang walked into the plane.


	3. Chapter 3 -- the Eagle has Landed

**Chapter 3 – The Eagle Has Landed.**

 _11:15 AM_

 _Monday_

 _Philadelphia International Airport, on the runway_

 _(author's note, please disregard the date / chapter name in chapter 1. No specific date should have been given. That was my bad.)_

"Shotgun!" yelled Charlie.

The flight attendant overheard and got slightly nervous.

"What?" said Dennis

"I called shotgun. I got the window seat." said Charlie, to the relief of the flight attendant.

"Ok then, I call shotgun too." said Mac

Dennis sat down next to Charlie, and Dee got the aisle seat. Mac sat down right behind Charlie, then a random stranger, and then Frank on the end.

"Turn right in zero point three miles. You will reach your destination in 18 hours and 13 minutes." said Charlie's GPS app on his phone.

"Why the hell do you have your GPS app open." asked Dennis

"Well, I was just wondering how far are we." said Charlie

"What, no. What are you doing. Thats not how it works." said Dennis

"What do you mean. It tells you right there." replied Charlie

"No, it was designed for driving. Not flying you idiot." said Dennis

"But I was just wonde-" said Charlie until Dennis cut him off.

"Just turn that shit off God damn it." said Dennis.

*ping* "This is the Captain speaking. We are just about ready for take off. Our flight crew will be coming around checking to make you all have your seat belt fastened. At this time, we would like to ask you to store any carry on luggage in the overhead bins and for safety reasons to please put your cellular devices in airplane mode. Thank you." said the Captain on the loudspeaker.

"This is government nanny-state bullshit." said Frank

"Man, I know right." said Mac

"Yeah man, I mean like if you could actually bring down a plane with a phone, don't you think all the terrorists would be doing it." said Charlie

"Exactly. I mean I am not one, but I am just saying that if I _were_ a terrorist, thats exactly how I would do it. I mean they don't even check for cell phones at security, I can just not turn off my phone and be done with it." said Mac. A few of the passengers around them got a bit uncomfortable with their conversation.

"God damnit. No, we're not talking about terrorists again. We're just going to have a nice pleasant trip to New Orleans. Everyone just shut up." said Dennis, agitated.

"Ah. Alright. Fine." said Mac.

Charlie lowered the volume on his GPS and turned off the screen without turning off or putting his phone in airplane mode.

The plane started moving, then sped up, and finally took off. Charlie's GPS read 153 MpH at the takeoff point. The plane took a sharp left turn and lifted itself up into the clouds. Frank went to sleep.

"Oh my God that was so cool." said Charlie

"Oh man, don't tell me you never been on an airplane before." said Mac

\- 2 hours later. -

The gang is looking out the windows. They see swamps, some suburban and rural housing, a giant body of water that looked like a lake. They see a long bridge over the lake right underneath them.

"In eight point five miles, get off onto the I-10 ramp on your right. You will have arrived at your destination in 23 minutes." said the GPS app. "GPS signal lost."

"God damn it Charlie, I thought I told you to turn that shit off." said Dennis angrily

*ping* "This is the Captain speaking. We will be landing shortly in about 10 minutes. On the behalf of SouthWest Airlines, we would like to welcome you to New Orleans." *ping*

"Oh sweet, we're here." said Mac, and the plane started making its way down, giving Charlie the butterflies.

"God damn it, my ears." said Mac, smooshing his hands on his ears to numb out the pain of his ears popping.

Charlie started taking pictures with his phone of the swamps nearby, as the plane neared the runway and the wheels hit the ground. *thud thud thud*

"Huh, wha? Wat happened?" asked Frank, as he just woke up.

"Dude, we're here." said Mac

The gang grabbed their luggage from the bins and headed their way to the airport terminal.

"Um, um. Guys." said Charlie, with a worried look on his face.

"I don't think we're here. I think we might have gotten on the wrong plane or something." said Charlie.

"What!" said Dennis. "What the hell are you talking about." said Dennis agitated.

"God damn it. If we're in the wrong airport, they better give me my money back. They better not Jew me out of my money like they Jewed me out of my whiskey." said Frank

"Dude, I don't think you can say 'Jewed"" said Mac. "Thats like ethnophobic."

"What, what do you mean we're in the wrong airport." said Dee, panicking.

"Its my GPS. Its telling us we're in the wrong city." said Charlie

"Oh ok then. Do tell. What city is it telling you that we are in." said Dennis.

"Its saying that we're in someplace called. Kenner." said Charlie

"What, give me that." said Dee, as she snatched Charlie's phone

"God damnit Charlie." said Dee, as she scrolled through the map. "You're an idiot. We're in a suburb of New Orleans, which is called Kenner." said Dee

"Wait, so I am confused. If we're not in New Orleans, then how come our ticket and the gate said New Orleans. That doesn't make any sense." said Charlie.

"God damit it Charlie. I don't have time for this shit. Just get our luggage and lets go." said Dennis

"No, I am serious. I don't get it. If they're going to fly us to a different city, which is a suburb, then they should just say that." said Charlie.

"Whats not to get. Its not a complicated concept. You go fly to a city, but sometimes the city isn't big enough for an airport, so they build the airport in the suburbs." said Dennis agitated.

"Come on, back me up on this Mac. I am just saying. If they're going to fly us to Kenner instead of New Orleans, then they should just say Kenner. So that way people won't get confused."

The gang walked towards the baggage claim area and each grabbed their luggage. Dee picked up her two heavy bags and began struggling as previously. Then they proceeded to the car rental place.

"May I help you with that?" asked a random young man.

"Why, thank you. It's so pleasant to be in a city where a young man would help a lady out with her luggage. I guess chivalry is not dead, at least not in this city. Unlike some people." said Dee, giving the rest of the gang a dirty look

They arrived at the counter as Dennis and Mac handled the business.

"Would you like to purchase supplemental insurance." asked the car agent.

"No thank you. We know that scam. We'll just take the cars. Thank you very much." said Mac.

"What do you mean car **s** " said Frank angrily.

"Why the hell am I paying for more than one car."


	4. Chapter 4 -- And West We Go

**Chapter 4**

 **And West We Go**

 _1:45 PM_

 _Monday_

 _New Orleans International Airport, Car Rental stand_

"Next in line." said the car rental agent as the gang stepped over to the side.

"Whats this business I hear about paying for two rental cars." said Frank, sternly. Charlie nodded in agreement.

"Oh come on Frank. You know you drill. Lets face it. We will probably just spend the whole day arguing over what we should do in the city." said Dennis

"Yeah, dude, he's right." said Mac

"Actually, we might even have rented thee or more cars. I am just saying." said Charlie

"Ok, fine." said Frank, angrily

"Me and Mac decided that we would be the two drivers. Besides, we saved so much money renting an apartment on AirBnB instead of a hotel we might as well." said Dennis

\- talking at the same time -

"Wait, what, how come Mac and Dennis get to drive" said Dee, highly agitated.

"Man, that's bullshit. We should at least get turns." said Charlie

"I paid for the cars, **I** should get to drive." said Frank

"No, no, no Charlie, you're not driving." said Dennis, agitated

"I am a better drive than all of you." said Dee

"I am calling objection. OBJECTION." said Charlie

"Gay _men_ are the best drivers, everyone knows that. We have the best traits of both women drivers and men drivers. Best of both worlds." said Mac

"What! What! What hell are you talking about Mac. Says who. " said Dee, agitated

"SHUT UP. SHUT UP, EVERYONE." yelled Dennis. As everyone shut up, he continued.

"Charlie, you're a bad driver and you don't even have insurance. Dee, well, face it, you're a woman. And Frank, you're drunk and high all the time, and if we're being honest, you're getting old and senile and couldn't drive even if you were sober." said Dennis

"Yeah, I guess he's right." said the whole gang.

"Ok, well since we're being honest, I am just going to interject here." said Charlie. "I am riding with Mac. Dennis, you're cranky and no fun."

"Yeah, I agree." said Dee

"Dude, he's right. I am going with Mac." said Frank

"Yeah, ok fine. Fine." said Dennis angrily.

"Also," said Charlie, "shutgun!"

"Oh. Oh. Oh, God damnit Charlie." said Dee

"Screw that, I call backseat. Backseat!" said Frank

"You know, since we're in New Orleans, we should follow the local customs. Charlie, you should let me sit shotgun since I am _the lady_." said Dee

"Shut up Dee. Here we go with that again." said Dennis

"Well, no dude. Objection! I called shotgun fair and square." said Charlie

"Well, I am _the Captain_ of this car,so I am making the call. Charlie gets the front seat. Dee, you sit with Frank." said Mac.

"Oh God damnit it. God damnit it all of you." said Dee

"You could just ride with your friend Dennis." said a random person in line.

The gang looked around and pondered.

"You know." said Charlie. "He does have a point. Thanks man."

The gang stepped away and walked their way towards the parking lot.

"Man, that guy was so rude. I can't believe he just jumped into our conversation like that. Who does that." said Dennis.

"I don't know dude. I think he was pretty helpful." said Charlie

"No guys. Don't you see what's happening here." said Mac. "I read about this. I think its a cultural thing. People in the South do that, they consider it a form of politeness. Remember, we're in their territory now. Try to blend in and be sensitive to the local culture." said Mac

The gang approached the car rental parking lot with random tourists and so locals milling around.

"Ok, does anyone know where we're going." said Frank

"I booked us a great and cheap place. Its in a small town called Westwego. Lets figure out the best place to get there." said Dennis, pulling out his Tom Tom device

"Thats on over on the West Bank. You could either take the Huey P Long or the Crescent City Connection. Should take you about the same amount of time around this time of day." said a random stranger.

"My Tom Tom says 31 minutes on the Cresent and 30 on the Huey P Long." said Dennis.

"Ok, well, mine says 28 minutes on Cresent City Connection and 29 on Huey P Long." said Charlie

"What. Nobody cares what your stupid app says. I have a Tom Tom, why the hell would I care what a GPS on a crappy cheap phone says." said Dennis

"You know what. I am going with Charlie on this. Because as a good captain that I am, I actually listen to others. Charlie, you're in charge of navigation." said Mac

"Ok, you know what. Fine, whatever. Come on Dee." said Dennis, as they got into the car and drove off.

\- About 20 minutes later -

"Oh my God, that's so cool. I can't believe we're actually in New Orleans." said Charlie

"I know right." said Mac

"Hey, hey hey. Why are you passing up New Orleans. We're passing it up." said Charlie

"No Charlie, we're going to our place first to unpack. We'll come back later." said Mac

"Well, yeah, I get that. I am just saying. I mean we could just save some gas since we're already here and just chill here for a few minutes." said Charlie

"Ok, where do you want to go Charlie." said Mac. Meanwhile Frank dozed off in the back.

"I don't know. I thought you had a plan." said Charlie.

"You know what. I AM getting kind of hungry." said Mac

"You know, we could just randomly walk around the city without a map and see where it would take us. That would be so cool." said Charlie

"Oh my God, thats a good idea Charlie. Lets do that." said Mac

"In 0.2 miles, take the exit on Business 90. You should be on the fastest route to your destination." said the GPS device

"You know what. You should probably turn that off." said Mac

"Yeah, ok. I think we should make the first detour that we get the chance." said Charlie, turning off his cell phone and putting in our pocket.

"Ok, well, there's on exit coming on up Top. Tope. Teh-chop. Te-hop. Top-et-tu-las." said Mac

\- 15 to 45 minutes later -

Dee and Dennis arrived at the destination and took their bags from the car. Their apartment was on the 2nd floor, up an outdoors staircase with no elevators. Dennis grabbed his bags and bump by bump got it all up there. Dee meanwhile, struggled, with no help and eventually got all her bags up there. They spent the next 45 minutes or so unpacking.

"Hey, where the hell is Charlie and Mac," said Dennis annoyed. "They should have been here like an hour ago."

"I don't know. I tried calling Charlie but he's not picking up." said Dee

"Well, I know his phone is not in airplane mode. God damnit Charlie. Pick up." said Dennis, attempting to call Charlie.


	5. Chapter 5 -- Frank's Day Off

**Chapter 5**

 **Frank's Day Off**

 _2:45 PM_

 _Monday_

 _New Orleans_

"Oh man, this is exiting. We get to see the _real_ New Orleans, not the fake tourist version," said Charlie, "man this is going to be just like that show Treme"

Mac took the detour and left the interstate. They drove past what looked like abandoned warehouses and overgrown grass.

"I totally head of this. Trust me Mac. Its like this thing called a _random walk_. You just walk around randomly until you find cool authentic stuff. Not all that tourist bullshit." said Charlie

Mac took several random turns driving around until they got to a large, long building, filled with pedestrians. The parked on the curb, looked around, and finally realized that they're at a place called 'The Convention Center.'

"Oh my God, I think we should go in." said Mac

"Well, I don't know. Dude, it does look kind of touristy." said Charlie

"Dude. You did say that it was a _random_ walk. I mean if thats where we ended up, then it is what it is." said Mac

"Well, yeah, ok then. I guess we could check it out. But I am just saying." said Charlie

"Ok, well, then its settled." said Mac

"Dude, I don't think we can park here though. And I didn't see any parking spots anywhere." said Charlie, with concern

"Huh. What, whe-. What's happening. Where are we." said Frank from the back seat, as he wakes up.

"Ok, Frank. Maybe you can park somewheres. We took a little detour." said Charlie

"Huh." said Frank

With some arguing and talking over each other, Mac and Charlie explained to Frank what was happening.

"I am not going anywhere with you guys. I am too old for this walking shit." said Frank

"So you just going to stay in the car. Well ok then, but at least crack the window open cause I heard that the heat can kill you, especially if you fall asleep in the car." said Charlie

"Oh My God. Dude, I got it." said Mac excitedly.

"Frank, why don't _you_ drive around the city for a while. Then after we're all done, you can just pick us up." continued Mac

"Thats a great idea Mac. Me and Mac will randomly walk around and Frank, you just randomly drive around the city. That way we all get to see the real city." said Charlie

"Oh, well I hope we have some spending cash on us." said Mac

Both Mac and Charlie looked at Frank. Frank looked back. "What?" said Frank

"Oh, ok." said Frank as handed then his credit card and took the keys. He then sternly said "Don't lose it."

Mac and Charlie got out of the car and headed for the Convention Center while Frank got to the front of the car and started his adventure. He took a swig of whiskey from his drove off.

"See Charlie. That's how a good leader like me does things. He puts trust in the people under him to gain their respect." said Mac proudly

"Man, I know right. If Dennis was here, theres like no way he'd let Frank drive. Man, he's been way too cranky lately, even for him" said Charlie

Frank drove half-senile / half-sleep deprived, swerving down the lanes barely avoiding hitting idiot tourists jaywalking without a care in the world. A mule and a carriage for tourists drove ahead, taking up half a lane slowing down traffic. Frank slammed on his brakes, barely avoiding hitting the cart. He then swerved around the mule, scaring it a bit; while encroaching onto the next lane. A nearby car swerved away from Frank, blowing his horn at him. Frank continued driving, making several random turns, ignoring "No Turn on Red" signs while make a right. He almost hit a pedestrian while making a left on a "No Left Turn's" signs.

"Shit, I am getting hungry" thought Frank, as he pulled up to random convenience store and got out.

Frank looked around. He saw what looked like a court house across the street. He saw a construction site nearby.

"You know what, maybe I _should_ walk around a bit." thought Frank.

Frank then proceeded to walk off and went down the sidewalk. He eventually ran into a small family owned fast food place.

"Hym, perhaps I can get me a some tasty local food." thought Frank as he looked at the menu.

"Catfish platter, comes with french fries and a fried potato. Works for me." through Frank as he made his order and enjoyed his meal. "God damn this is pretty good." thought Frank. Once he was done, he walked back making his way back to the car. "Oh shit" thought Frank, as he realized that his car has a boot on it.

"Oh God damn it. God damnit" said Frank. "oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute." thought Frank for a second. "I remember now."

For whatever odd reason, Frank has decided to pack his car boot remover for the trip when packing random crap into his suitcase while Dennis was on his case about packing unneeded things. Frank remembered that he still has his luggage in the backseat, along with the boot remover. Thinking quickly on his feet, Frank opened his trunk and got to work.

"Hey, hey, bullshit-asshole. What you doing." said a young Indian man.

Frank flipped him the bird as the boot came off and he threw it to the ground and made his way back to the car.

"And you know what, screw that, I am keeping the boot as well." said Frank as he got out of the car and took the removed boot and drove off.

"Pita, pita!" yelled the Indian man at his father, who owned the convenience store.

"My father will catch you man. Man, when he catch you, he will say bullshit-asshole, and then he will kick your ass man." yelled the Indian man as Frank sped off laughing, flipping him off.

Driving a bit more around, Frank eventually wound up by the WW2 History Museum. "Meh, museums suck, but his one might be cool. Maybe I should go check it out." thought Frank.

Frank went around enjoying himself, looking at cool WW2 relics until he saw several nerdy men tossing various shaped dice.

"What is going on here." asked Frank.

"Oh, we're playing a war game." pointing to a miniature map, with random hills, lines, toy soldiers and tanks. The young man then explained the rules of the game. "Well, we're just ending our game so we can start a new one."

"Hym" Frank thought. "I had some NAZI relatives. I should probably play as them. Being the bad guy is more fun anyway." thought Frank.

The game started, and Frank made his moves. For a drunk, senile guy, Frank was going pretty well. After about an hour worth of play, Frank's team won 2 and lost 3 games. "Man, that was fun, but I guess I got to get going." said Frank

"Yeah, us too." said the young men and they all left.

Frank got into his car, driving off continuing his random adventure. "Oh shit, its the Super Dome. Maybe I'll come here later this year for an away Eagle's game. I bet that would be fun." thought Frank as he continued driving.

Frank suddenly saw a white flash. "What the fuck was that." thought Frank as he looked up into the sky. "Not a single cloud in the sky. Man, that must be that crazy New Orleans weather I've been hearing about" as his phone suddenly rang.

"Frank, where the hell are you. We are ready to get picked up. We're on Bourbon Street." said Charlie.

"I am on, um, Loyola Street." said Frank looking around at the street signs.

"Ok, well, I am sure you know how to use the GPS Frank. Just come pick us up." said Charlie

*peep peep* Frank's phone 'low battery' warning came on.

"Um, guys, I only have 15% left on my batty. I'll figure something out." said Frank as he hanged up.

Frank continued randomly driving around until he ran into a Daiquiri shop.

"Holy shit, they just let you buy booze through a drive-through." thought Frank as he ordered his drink large.

Frank received a large plastic cup with his drink along with his change and a straw. As he unwrapped his straw and put into his drink, Frank drove off sipping on his Daiquiri.


	6. Chapter 6 -- Charlie and Mac's Day Off

**Chapter 6**

 **Charlie's and Mac's Day Off**

 _2:45 PM_

 _Monday_

 _New Orleans_

Mac and Charlie leave the car as Mac takes Frank's credit card and hands Frank the car keys. They walk off and enter the Convention Center. Looking around through random fliers, they find a schedule of upcoming events. There is a Comic Con a month from today, a Dentist Convention for a month and a half from now, and finally a Bar Tender's Convention two months from today.

"Oh man, dude, that's so awesome. We could totally go to that." said Charlie, pointing at the Bar Tender's Convention on the flier

"Dude, but thats like 2 months from now. Besides Charlie, we're here on vacation, not business." said Mac

"I mean, ok, yeah. But I am just saying man. Since we're already here there's no reason why we can't do both." said Charlie

"Thats a good point Charlie. But still, the convention isn't until 2 months from now. And there's nothing going on right now." said Mac

"Yeah, ok, lets ditch this place." said Charlie

Mac and Charlie continued walking, then went up the escalator. They eventually got to a pedestrian overpass, where looking down through the glass windows they could see a train track and a freight train coming from a distance. They continued walking until they got to the other side, with a sign welcoming them to the Riverwalk Mall. As they entered the mall, they encountered the food court.

"Oh man, I am starting to get kinda hungry. Dude, we should probably grab a bite." said Charlie

"Yeah, ok Charlie. Does Panda Express work for you." said Mac

"Well, I was hoping for something kinda local and authentic. Not something that we could get back in Philadelphia." said Charlie

"But dude. This is the mall. I don't think they'll have anything authentic. Dude, I say we should just get Panda Express." said Mac

Mac and Charlie continued arguing for about 5 more minutes about where they want to eat until they decided to go with Panda Express.

After they finish eating, they go out on the balcony and watch one large cruise ship leave, and another one return. They see several barges and small boats sail by. They are having the time of their lives, playing a game involving guessing where the ships will go. After some time of enjoying the sight, they head back inside the mall and continued their way, when suddenly Charlie had an idea.

A merchant in a kiosk was talking to a customer when suddenly Charlie interrupted him half-way.

"Hey, excuse me. I was just wondering. We're wondering if you happen to know where the Mardi Gras parades are." asked Charlie

"Huh?" said the merchant, a surely, middle-aged black men, looking in confusion.

"Man, yo, Mardi Gras over dawg." replied the merchant.

"Well, ok, yeah. I mean yeah, I know that. I am sure the OFFICIAL Mardi Gras for the tourists is over. But I am not talking about the one for the tourists. I mean you know, I am sure there's like a local Mardi Gras that the tourists don't know about, only the real local people know about." said Charlie

"Oh yeah, thats right dude. I am sure they have like a Treme version. Dude, man, I saw Treme. Man, the authentic city." added Mac.

"Naw man. 'Dey don't have nothing like that brah. Sorry 'bout that." replied the clerk

"Well, ok, but I mean they have to have something." asked Charlie

"Naw, sorry dude." replied the merchant

"Ok then. How much are these plates." asked Mac, pointing to various metal"Parking for only. All others will be towed." signs

"They all five dollars." replied the merchant

"Ok, get me that one." Mac pointed to the "Parking for Eagle Fan's only, all others will be towed" sign.

"That'll be five fitty." replied the merchant.

"Man, yalls from Philly. I got a cousin that moved up there. He's always complaining that he's surrounded by Eagle fan. I mean I guess it could be worse, he could have moved to A.T.L." continued

"Or Dallas." joked Mac

"Man, sheeeeeeet. Man, fuck the Cowgirls." said the merchant.

"Yall have a good one." the merchant continued as Mac paid and they continued walking.

"Man, I can't believe the sales tax is so high." said Charlie

"I know right." said Mac

"Man, Charlie. You know what. I think we have to face it. Dude, I think Dennis was right. We have to face it, I think we lost the bet." continued Mac

"Dude, man. I am telling you. Don't lose faith. I am sure we'll find a Mardi Gras somewheres" said Charlie

"Ok, maybe. But I really think we lost this one." said Mac as they continued walking, then finally existed the mall and walked out in the direction of the Spanish Plaza.

Charlie and Mac walked out of the mall and entered a circular plaza. A few pigeons random flew around. Charlie then saw a kiosk and spotted something.

"Hey man, check it out. Looks like they're selling some pretty cool looking local drink. I think we should check it out." said Charlie, pointing to a snowball stand.

"Ok" said Mac

They walked up to the snowball stand and looked at the menus.

"Man, what are those." said Mac

"I don't know, but I think I want the raspberry." said Charlie.

"Ok, I get the banana one." said Mac

"Ok, we want one raspberry and one banana, of whatever that thing is." said Mac

"What size." asked the clerk

"Um, medium." said Mac

"Two medium snowballs coming up." said the clerk

The merchant then filled two 16 oz clear plastic cups, filled them with ice, and pour some type of syrup. Charlie and Mac slowly sipped their drinks and continued walking.

"Man, those are pretty good." said Charlie

"I know right." said Mac

"Hey, check this out. They even have a World Trade Center here." continued Mac, pointing to a tall building.

"Yeah, ok, lets check it out." said Charlie, as they cut across the grass and entered the building, ignoring a "please don't walk on the grass" and a "no foods or beverages inside" signs. There was a lobby on the first floor, two escalators on each side, and an elevator door on their right.

"Dude, we should probably take an elevator and see where it takes us." said Mac

Charlie and Mac then got into an elevator and went to the highest floor possible. Unfortunately, they were only half way up to the top, so they got out. There was another set of elevators that required a special key to continued going up.

"Dude, I think we should keep going up." said Mac

"Yeah, ok, but I don't think we're allowed further up." said Charlie as a business man in a suit and tie walked towards it and turned the key.

Charlie and Mac ran after the elevator as the businessman saved it from closing.

"Where are you guy's headed." asked the businessman

"Um, um. We're here for a job interview. For um, a car insurance company." lied Charlie, thinking on his feet, clearly under-dressed for a job interview.

"25th floor." said Mac, thinking on his feet, seeing as that was the highest floor.

"Its for Digi-Calc-Insurance Corporation. They're a tech company that uses special calculations for insurances and various lawyerings." said Charlie

The businessman, half-listening, busy with his own problems, either didn't notice or didn't care the blatantly, poorly constructed lie.

"Good luck to you gentlemen." said the businessman as he got off on the 20th floor.

"Man, what was that." asked Mac

"Dude, I told him its for a tech company, since we're dressed like tourists, so he won't get suspicious. I mean we do look like Mack Zack-zing-bergs." said Charlie, butchering the Facebook founder's name.

"That was good thinking." said Mac

They got on the highest floor and got out. They were in some sort of a lobby waiting area with a really fancy suite. Several businessmen milled around. The walls had very pretty and expensive art; paintings, sculptures, some other novelty items. The lobby area had huge windows, and several seats outside, giving way to a bird's view of the city. Even someone like Mac and Charlie appreciated the view and beauty of the city. They spent about and hour and a half looking at various landmarks, talking selfies of themselves looking at the city, and selfish with the art work. They had a blast until they got bored about after an hour and a half and decided to get back to the elevators.

They rode down to the lowest floor possible and got out. They took some more selfies out of another window, plus some more artwork until they got bored with that, and got back to the original elevator. As the door was closing, a woman yelled "save the elevator" from a distance.

Mac, confused, not knowing what she meant for a second, then stopped the elevator from closing as the last second as she got in.

"How yall doing" the woman asked

"We're doing awesome." said Charlie with a dumb grin on his face, as they rode all the way down.

They exited out the elevator quickly, and turned towards the exit as the woman walked out behind them. Out from the direction of where the 1st floor lobby stood, a man yelled out at them.

"Hey, how'd the interview go." asked the man they've seen before, chit chatting with one of the receptionists at the lobby.

At the same time, talking over each other

"Um, um. I didn't..." – Charlie

"I don't think they're a good fit for us." - Mac

"I am sorry to hear that gentlemen" said the man at the lobby

"Oh man, that was close." said Charlie, as they walked out.

They walked out and walked about a block or two, until they came across the Aquarium and the iMax Theater. After some minor back and forth, they decided on the Aquarium and walked in. A group of young school children, all amazed at what they saw as their field trip ended; walked out pasted them. Charlie and Mac looked at the tour prices, and bought the cheapest package available.

As they went in, they visited all the various sea creatures. Charlie was making funny faces at the fish and a turtle.

"Oh man, look at that turtle, he looks like thinking something very wise. He looks like an old wise man." said Charlie

"Yeah, he kinda does." said Mac

"That would be so cool if we had one as a pet." said Charlie

"Yeah, ok, but where the hell are we gonna get a turtle from." asked Mac

"Well, I mean I am sure we can catch one or something." said Charlie

"bbreeeahhhhhh" said a Pigeon as a walrus stole his lunch and swam away.

"Oh my God did you seee that." said Mac

"I know right. That was pretty cool." said Charlie

Charlie and Mac continued their adventure, checking out exotic animals and taking more pictures until their tour ended after about an hour, as they headed out.

"Oh man, we had so much fun." said Mac

"I know right. I mean we got to see the _real_ city, not the tourist bullshit, man. The _real_ New Orleans. I am so glad we ditched Dee and Dennis." said Charlie and they continued walking, and randomly took a right and walked across street car tracks.

"Man, this is the real deal. You can't get more authentic than that." said Mac

"Oh cool, look, check it out." said Charlie, pointing ahead towards Bourbon Street.

""Oh sweet" said Mac, excited.


	7. Chapter 7 -- Confederacy of Schenagigans

**Chapter 6**

 **The Confederacy of Shenanigans**

 _5:00 PM_

 _Monday_

 _New Orleans (+ the Westwego)_

Back at the apartment in Westwego, Dee and Dennis spent the afternoon unpacking and arguing on what they want to do in the city. Dennis wants to stick to Bourbon Street and other famous touristy place, along with several Frat houses in the Tulane area,;which he claims knows a guy in his old frat who knows a guy who was in a frat around Tulane. Dennis wants to go chill in the area. Meanwhile, Dee insists that they should visit several art places, and possibly a show. Reading reviews and tour guides, Dee found that the Saenger Theater is playing a famous musical, with cheap tickets.

"Oh come on Dee, they have art places and musicals back in Philadelphia." said Dennis

"Oh yeah, well they have fraternities in Philadelphia too." countered Dee

Meanwhile, the subject eventually turned back to Frank, Mac, and Charlie.

"Man, I bet Mac and Charlie ditched us." said Dennis

"Man, you know what. Know what. Screw those guys." said Dee

"Yeah, thats it. We're going to Bourbon Street." said Dennis as he grabbed the keys and walked towards the door.

"Oh.. arhh, oh, God Damnit Dennis. God Dammit." said Dee, as she reluctantly joined Dennis.

Meanwhile, On Bourbon Street

Charlie looks at his phone to see how much battery and space he has left for taking pictures.

"Yo dude, I got like 5 missed calls from Dennis." said Charlie. "Maybe I should call him back."

"Ok, but first, call Frank. See what he's up to. Tell him to pick us up from Bourbon Street in about an hour." said Mac

"Yeah, ok." said Charlie.

"Dude, he's not answering." said Charlie.

"Ok, well, just call Dee and Dennis then." said Mac

Meanwhile

Frank continued driving around the city. Its been several minutes since his phone just died as Charlie and Mac tried calling him. As he drove, he got caught up in unexpected heavy traffic.

"Man, what the hell is going on." thought Frank, as he slowly crept up.

Suddenly the traffic began clearing up, and Frank just floored it. Out of nowhere, Frank noticed several people standing around mostly on the median, with several standing in the street. At the last second, Frank slammed the brakes; but didn't come to a complete stop hitting a guy in the leg.

In the median area stood several protesters, mostly elderly white men. Several had posters, one read " **S** ave **O** ur **S** tatues." Few waved Confederate Flags, or posters with the Bars and Stripes drawn on them. One held a Trump / Pence sign. The protesters were protesting the removal of various statues around the city honoring figureheads from the Civil War.

"Hey, that faggot snowflake tried to run me over." yelled the protester, pointing towards Frank.

"Hey asshole, you're interrupting our first amendment rights. We are a peaceful demonstration." yelled another.

The crowed gathered, slowly walking towards Frank's car, as one of the protesters flags down a police officer pointing towards Frank. Frank, orients himself and realizes what is happened; maneuvers his car out of the crowd, peels out and drives off as fast as he can.

"Ha ha ha. So long suckers." laughs Frank, looking in the back mirror as one of the protesters drops his miniature Confederate flag from fear of Frank's crazy driving, which falls on Frank's windshield.

Frank drives for about half a block, which adrenaline pumping through his system as he checks the rear-view mirror making sure that the coast is clear. "Bump."

"Oh shit!" thinks Frank, as he realizes that he hit another pedestrian and looks around.

A large crowd, made up of ages ranging from their 20's to 60's, of all ethnicites; were celebrating, eating boiled crawfish and potatoes from a giant pit , as they held their counter demonstration. The black, middle-aged man, hit by the car looks up. The Confederate flag that previously fell on Frank's car flew threw their air in front of everyone's view.

"Yo, that racist asshole tried to run me over." yelled the man, as the crowd witnessed the event.

"Oh shit." thought Frank, as he turned the car around and drove the other way as the protesters ran after him. Frank looking ahead saw the first set of protesters now ahead of him, and the counter-protestors on his tail.

"Oh shit, oh shit oh shit" thought Frank, until he saw a small one way street ahead of him. He then made a sharp left and quickly sped away, avoiding the protesters.

The protesters ran into each other as they witnessed Frank sped away going the wrong way, looked around and at each other, dumbfolded.

"Dude, what the hell just happened." asked one of the protesters.

"Um, um. Crazy drunk driver? He's not with us. I thought he was one of yalls." said the counter-protester.

Meanwhile, the crew began their work removing the statute as the pro-removal group cheered and sang "Nah nah nah, hey hey hey, Good ood bye" while the anti-removal group sang "God Bless America" looking crestfallen.

A black guy, celebrating the statute removal walked up to an elderly white man waving his Confederate Flag. "Hey man, we still have some left over crawfish if yall want some."

The sad old man replied "Sure. Thanks. I'll try to save you a beer or two. We got Abita and Sam Adams."

"Aight. I guess we'll see each other at the Lee Circle tomorrow."

Meanwhile, Frank sped away and made a sharp rolling stop turning right, causing a car from the oncoming traffic to slam their brakes honking at him.


	8. Chapter 8 -- Bourbon Street

**Chapter 8**

 **Bourbon Street**

 _5:00 PM_

 _Monday_

 _Bourbon Street_

"YE SINNERS. YE PERVERTS. YE CONSUMERS OF THE SINS OF THE FLESH. YE HOMOSEXUALS, YE FORNICATORS, YE SPORTS FANS, GAMBLERS . YE ALL OF YOU, REPENT. REPENT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE." yelled a street preacher in the middle of the street at the passersbys, with giant a wooden cross behind him. Most people, tourists and locals alike, just walked passed him ignoring him. A few hurled insults back at him. One random tourist woman took a selfie with him and jokingly said "hashtag, authentic New Orleans experience"; while doing a bunny fingers peach sign and a funny face.

Charlie and Mac walked down Bourbon Street, having just entered it off of Canal. Arguing about whether or not it counts as "authentic" if you randomly walking into a tourist part, they both spotted the preacher ahead. "Hey, yo, check this out." said Charlie, as he walked towards the preacher.

"Hello my good fellow citizen." said Charlie, as the preacher either ignored him or didn't notice him.

"I am an expert of Bird Law, the number one ranked in Philadelphia. I also do other lawyerings. In case you encounter any 1st commandment [sic] issues and such, for a nominal fee I can repre..." said Charlie, interrupted.

"YE LAWYER. LAWYERISM, THE BOTTOM-MOST, FILTHY-BOTTOM FEEDING OF ALL PROFESSIONS. LOWER THAN EVEN THAT OF THE OLDEST ONE." exclaimed the preacher.

"Dude, what are you doing. This man supports discrimination against the gays. Dude, thats like a hate crime." said Mac, angrily

"Besides dude, we're not here on business." continued Mac

"Well, ok, yeah. But you have to admit. Protecting our Constitutional Commandments [sic] is very important, even for crazy people like that guy." said Charlie

"YE LORD DOES NOT DISCRIMANTE. YE LORD PUNISHES THE WICKED HIPOCRITICAL HETEROSEXUAL AS WELL AS THE HOMOSEXUAL." said the preacher, as Charlie put his business card in the preacher's breast pocket and walked off saying "Well, ok, dude, whatever. Call me when you change your mind."

"REPENT YOU ALL. SINNERS. SUPPORTERS OF THE CONFEDERACY AND THEIR MONUMENTS, THE EVILS OF SLAVERY. THE STATUES OF JACKSON, EVEN SO MORE WICKED THAN IF IT HAD BEEN THAT OF A WOMAN WITH NAKED BREASTS EXPOSED, YE ALL SINNERS..." continued the preacher, ranting and raving as Mac and Charlie walked off.

Charlie attempted to call Frank again, failing to get in touch with him. He then called Dennis out of desperation.

"Hey, yo, would you happen to know where's Frank." asked Charlie

Dennis picks up the phone, while driving. "What! Where's Frank! What." said Dennis, highly agitated.

"Well, I was just wondering." said Charlie

"What the hell do you mean where is Frank. He's supposed to be with you guys." said Dennis

"Well, ok, yeah, but he drove off and we're on Bourbon Street." said Charlie

"What. You let him drive." said Dennis, highly agitated, then continued

"Ok, whatever. We'll talk about this later. Well, me and Dee are on the way to Bourbon right now. We'll just meet you up there" said Dennis, angrily hanging up the phone.

"Unbelievable." exclaimed Dennis

They kept on driving, just entering the Crescent City Connection bridge. Dee took multiple selfies from the top of the bridge over the river, as well as a few of the CBD from a distance. Unknowingly, they lucked out with traffic levels. As Dennis finished crossing the bridge, Dee took several more selfies of the Bridge behind her.

Eventually, running into higher levels of pedestrian traffic with Dennis cursing up a storm, eventually they've made their way to their destination. Dennis parked his car on Bourbon, where it met Canal. They exited out of their car; and eventually caught up with Mac and Charlie.

"Heyyyyy. What.s up." said the whole gang, exited to finally having ran into each other.

They continued walking, enjoying the scenery. "If you want, me and Dee can give you a lift. It looks like Frank ditched you guys." said Dennis.

"Yeah, ok, that sounds like a plan." said Mac

Eventually they ran into a bar that sells "Huge Ass Beers." "Holy Shit. Check this out. That huge beer, for only five bucks." exclaimed Charlie

"Well, you guys enjoy. I got to drive back." said Dennis

"You know what. Since you brought your car, bailing us out, how about I'll drive. You all enjoy." said Mac

"Wow. Thats very mature for you. Thanks. So I guess that means you're admitted letting Frank drive was a bad idea." said Dennis

"Totally" said Mac, as Dee, Charlie, and Dennis poured the beer into smaller plastic cups and drank their beer.

Suddenly, Dee lifted up her shirt as some guy threw her beads from a balcony.

"Dee, what the hell are you doing." said Dennis

"Doing something none of you can. Bitches." said Dee, holding up her beads

"Oh my God, thats a good idea." said Charlie, as he took the beads from Dee

"Hey. Yo. Show me your tits." yelled Charlie at a woman at a balcony, and threw her one at a time

"Hey. God damn it. You took my beads." said Dee, angrily.

"Oh man, Mardi Gras is so fun" said Charlie, as Dennis corrected him "No, dude, thats not Mardi Gras, thats just people throwing left over beads"

"Well, ok, whatever. You say toMattOh, I say toMayToe. Ok." said Charlie

Dennis picked up some random beads that fell on the ground and threw it to women who flashed him. Meanwhile, a guy on a balcony jokingly lifted up his shirt and squeezed his chest at Dee. Dee picked up the ugliest, smallest bead she could find.

"That's all you get. Show me some cock and balls and I give you some real beads." said Dee, laughing.

"Dude, Dee. What the hell are you doing." said Dennis, highly agitated.

"Oh, cause a wOman can't have fun at Mardi Gras." retorted Dee

"What, what, no. You're embarrassing yourself. And like I said, its not even Mardi Gras." said Dennis

"Hey there boys." said a random woman at another balcony, sliding off her panties.

"Oh sweet. Check it out." said Charlie

"What. Charlie, aren't you with the waitress now." said Dee

"Oh, its cool. Its New Orleans. Its like a different city code [sic] dude, so it doesn't count." retorted Charlie

"What. Say's who." said Dee.

"Yooouuu whooo" said the woman, still ignored, spread eagle, putting her hand on her genitals and started rubbing it in full view of the gang.

"Oh come on, everybody knows that. What happens here stays here." said Charlie

"What. No. Nobody says that. Thats Las Vagas you idiot." said Dennis

"Hey dickweeds. You want pussy or you just gonna stare and jerk off." said the woman, interrupting them.

"Hell yeah, I want some pussy. It looks like you got a nice one." said Charlie

"Well honey. Just get up that pole and you can have this when you make it up here" said the woman, continuing to rub herself as Charlie's and Dennis's testes vibrated slightly from their increased hornyness.

"Charlie, wouldn't it just be easier to get in the building and walk up the stairs." said Dennis

"Naw man, its easier this way. Its the shortest distance." said Charlie, as he started his climb, while the woman continued to rub herself and her breasts for encouragement.

"Oh man, this city is so awesome. Its not like Philadelphia women, these women are down to party and ready to bang. Man they're so easy. Oh man, if I was still single I would be up there banging that woman up there." said Dennis

Charlie had made his way up about three-fourths of the way up. Suddenly, as he took another step up and grabbed the pole with his hands, his hand slipped on some grease. He grabbed forward with his other hand, and his other hand slid down as well. The grease slowly dripped downwards as Charlie attempted to move up. The woman giggled and continued rubbing herself.

Eventually, so much grease slipped down that Charlie would slide down all the way to the halfway mark, hurting his hands as they slipped passed the decorative Fleu-De-Lies on the pole. Charlie started to slide down, about to give up. "Hey baby, you about to give up." said the woman

"Yeah, I think there's some grease here." said Charlie

"I guess you don't want this." said the woman, started to rub herself and breasts again.

Charlie, about to give up, changed his mind as he saw the woman rub her crotch slowly. Several steps later, as he was back to the original three-fourths mark, his hands gave out and he slid all the way down.

"Yo dude, we should totally try that. That looks fun." said Mac.

"Yeah, well, I bet I can get up there quicker than you can." said Dennis

"Ok, you're on." said Mac, as they made their side bet and told Dee to time them. Dee, reluctantly agreed and started her "clock app" on her phone.

Dennis went first, slipping and sliding, struggling until his hands eventually got tired and gave up. "Man, that's bullshit. Charlie made a huge grease mess so now I can't move up." said Dennis

Mac went up next, slowly inch by inch. The woman, giggling, rubbed herself slowly for his encouragement. Mac, ignoring her, daydreaming about doing his victory dance to Dennis; inched his way up. Grabbing the dry parts, Mac got up to about 80% way up before he began sliding down. As testes pressed against the Fleu-De-Lies, Mac gave up and slowly slid down.

The woman and Dee laughed, looking at Dennis, Mac, and Charlie. The woman got dressed again, laughed at all the men dumb enough to fall for the prank. The woman's boyfriend, laughed slightly, not sure if he should be amused or annoyed by all the men giving her the attention. "Hey, show me your peacock." yelled Dee at the boyfriend, as his girlfriend gave him a dirty "don't do it" look.

The woman on the balcony then threw Dee some more beads, as Dee caught them with excitement.

Meanwhile, Mac and Dennis spent the next two minutes which one of them made it further up the poll, hence winning the bet.

"*whif whif* Is that pee?" asked Dee, as she realized the beads were soaked with urine.

"Arrr. Oh, God damn it. God damn that bitch." yelled Dee, as she balled up the beads and thew them as hard as possible at the woman, knocking her beer out of her hand.

"Arrrggggggg." said Dee, as she took off her high heel shoes, one stuck to her arm by the loop and stormed the pole.

Dodging the grease spots, Dee made it all the way up 90% of the way until finding nothing but grease. The woman and her boyfriend laughing their asses off. Full of anger and realizing she can't get up any higher, Dee grabbed the woman's skirt and tore it in half, throwing down the fabric. Then, realizing she still had her shoe, flung it at the woman full force; with the pointy end of her high heels smacking the woman in her crotch.

Dee then proceeded to slide down the pole, but lost her balance due to only grabbing the pole with one hand, and about one forth way up, fell off and fell on her butt. Not feeling any pain (yet) due to the adrenaline in her system ,walked off.

The woman, curled up on the ground, was being comforted by her boyfriend. "Ha. Looks like you won't be using your cock and balls tonight afterall. Here's some beads." said Dee, hurling the pee soaked bead at the boyfriend on the balcony, leaving a slight bruise on his torso.

"Damn Dee. Looks like you won the bet. Or would have if you were in." said Dennis

"Yo, that was pretty impressive." said Mac and the four of them walked off and continued their adventure.

The gang continued bar hoping, drinking, and having fun in general. Dee slapped several random men on their butts in the various clubs and bars. About a third enjoyed it, a third got mildly annoyed, and a third didn't seem to care either way. They caught several more beads from people in the balconies, and threw some as well. Dennis made several attempts at flirting with random young women in their 20's just to see if he still could, with mixed results. They drank heavily, including something called "a hand grenade"; the alcohol concealing the pair from climbing the pole earlier.

"Oh man, thats so awesome. Its like you drink out of this plastic grenade, so its like if you drink too much you're getting bombed." laughed Mac.

Eventually, some two hours later the gang got bored with their shenanigans and realized that they still need to finish unpacking. "Ok guys, I think I've sobered up by now." said Mac as the gang decided its time to head back to the car. "I am sure we'll come visit at least twice more." said Mac, as they all agreed and made their way back to their car.

"Man, I am telling you guys. New Orleans is like the Purge, but only the like the fun version of it." said Dennis

"I know right. Its like you can do anything in this city and nobody cares. There are like no rules or laws or anything, as long as you don't do something bad like kill or rape anybody." said Mac, as Dee grabbed some random guy's butt as he walked the opposite direction.

"Yeah, exactly. That way you're still safe from people doing the bad stuff, but like nobody cares about the little stuff." said Dennis

"Oh, oh, Oh God Damn it." said Dennis angrily as they made it to the car.

"Ok, well, ok obviously not all laws and regulations" said Charlie

"Shut up Charlie." said Dennis angrily, as they all got into the car, greeted by a bright, orange parking ticket.

"Its cool. I bet I can totally fight this." said Charlie

"God damn it, shut up Charlie." said Dennis, as Mac started the car and drove off.


	9. Chapter 9 -- Down the Gutter

**Chapter 9**

 **Down The Gutter**

 _5:00 PM_

 _Monday_

 _New Orleans_

Frank is driving around the city, tired but finally started to sober up. He rammed into another curb as he decided to take a short pit stop. He took out his phone, attempting to put Bourbon Street into his GPS, but unfortunately his phone powered off. Frank then proceeded to take a short nap, some 20 to 40 minutes or so. Finally, Frank woke up and continued randomly driving around until he stopped another drive through Daiquiri shop.

"Oh sweet" thought Frank, as he drove up to the counter.

"Yeah, I'll have one large Daiquiri. Also, can you tell me where Bourbon Street is. My phone just died so I can't use my GPS." said Frank

"Sure, what flavor? Also, you want to get on Elysian Fields and make a right at the very end. Just drive around by the flee markets so you don't get stuck by slow pedestrians." said the guy behind the counter, as several people patiently sat behind him.

"Ok, well, I'll the peach. Also, I got to tell ya. This city is awesome. You get to buy alcohol from a drive through and just drive around drinking and its all legal. You guys are awesome." said Frank

"Oh no. Thats not legal at all. You can get charged with open container laws just like anywhere else." said the merchant, then continued

"What ya wanna do is cover the straw hole with tape, that way it no longer counts as an open container. Here, I got some extra scotch tape. Just take the straw out and tape over the hole to make it legal." said the merchant, as he handed Frank his drink in a styrofoam cup, with a plastic cover and Frank paid and drove off.

Frank noted the Walmart across the street as he drove off. The sky slowly began to get darker, slowly impairing Frank's vision as he sipped on his drink, until Frank finally got near the end of Elysian Fields, forgetting exactly what he's supposed to do. He spotted a ton of pedestrians, and a parking lot across the street.

"This must be it." Frank thought, looking at all the people.

Looking at the parking prices, $5 for 1-3 hours, $8 for 3 to 6 hours, $10 for 6 to 24 hours, "Well hell, they're not gonna Jew me out of my money. Not today." thought Frank, forgetting that he still had the boot removing tool. He backed out going the wrong way, and without looking cut across Elysian Fields's heavy traffic to the other side, then parking next to a creepy abounded warehouse. As it got darker still outside, the area did not look like a place that a reasonable person would consider a safe place to park. Frank continued to sip on his daiquiri until he drank it down to halfway and wisely left it in his car, figuring bars wouldn't allow him with an outside drink as he exited the car.

Frank then crossed Elysian Fields, past the original parking lot as he flipped it the bird. Eventually Frank got to Frenchman Street, and made a right seeing thats where all the people are.

"Damn, this must be it." thought Frank, "It will take a while to find Mac and Charlie among all these people here on Bourbon."

Frank then proceeded to bar hop, entering random bars and clubs, listening to some live bands along the way. Eventually, he stumbled upon a bar that he really loved, which featured a live rock cover band. He was so impressed with the band that he even decided to tip them, something that he very rarely ever does. Frank took out a five-dollar bill and put it in a tip box. Then, he hovered about a minute or two over the box, until he found four one-dollar bills and took them. During intermission, he walked around the bar until he saw a pool table, which took quarters and cost a two dollars to play.

At the pool table, a young man pointed to Frank "hey, wanna play" as Frank waved him off saying "I don't have quarters, only bills." as an excuse not spend money.

"Thats cool, I got it." said the young man, holding a wad of quarters. "I'll play the winner" said the guy's girlfriend.

The trio continued playing, some 10 games in total; of which Frank partook in 7, winning 2. Frank then took out two one-dollar bills out of his four and offered to pay as the couple waived him off. As the intermission ended, Frank spent another hour enjoying himself and tipped the musician another dollar.

"Oh shit, its getting late. I was supposed to pick up Frank and Mac. Where are they. Oh well, I am sure they figured out something out by now. Damn, I am getting sleepy" thought Frank as he exited out the bar, and looked around, trying to remember where he parked. Thinking, thinking, thinking, "Oh, thats right" thought Frank as he recognized the street leading to the original parking lot. Frank then walked back across Elysian Fields and to his car. His daiquiri now warm, Frank slowly sipped it and took a nap.

*bang bang*

"What, what now." thought Frank as he woke up, and found a young white male, in mid-twenties with dreadlocked hair, knocking on his window.

"Hey, nice house you got there. Sup man." said the man, with a friendly demenour.

"Oh, hey. And thanks. Whats up." said Frank, confused, as several of the guy's gutter punk buddies joined in, looked inside Frank's rental car and assumed he was a homeless squatter just like them. The gutter punks reeked of pot and BO, which Frank didn't even notice; partly due to dulled senses from aging, and partly due to living with Charlie for a long period of time.

"Hey, we got a pretty nice set up in our warehouse. If you wanna chill there." said one of the gutter punks.

"Nah" said, Frank, until he noticed one of the women smoking a joint. "You know, I guess I could." said Frank.

Frank walked out of his car, as they exchanged greetings, and walked several blocks towards the warehouse they crashed in. An older woman with a raspy voice, in her late 50's greeted them. Behind her, some group of 20 young gutter punks and 6 dogs; 16 men, 4 women, all white in their 20's and 30's. "Hey, I found this guy sitting around chilling. I figured he might crash." said a young man

The older woman looked at Frank, sizing him up and said "ok, I run this place. You start any shit and I kick you outta here, capiche. Also, we are a community. What do you have to offer us." she said sternly, as a young man said "Its ok, he's cool. Should only stay here for a day or tw..." as the woman put her finger on his mouth, and shushed him.

The woman starred down Frank coldly, as Frank thought about the cash in his car, worried they might find out about. "Oh yeah, he got a running car." said a young man, taking up for Frank.

"What a coincidence. Mine is in 'a shop' [doing air-quotes]. A shady mechanic, I am not sure if he even knows what he's doing" pointing to one of the gutter punk residents.

"He could totally make groceries." said one of the young guys.

"I mean, sure, I guess I could do it. There's like a Walmart near by I saw earlier. I mean I am a bit tired now. I could do it tomorrow morning." said Frank, with his breath smelling like alcohol; as the woman starred him down coldly, worried that it might be a trick to stay a night for free.

"Or you know what. I don't really feel like it right now. Is it ok if one of you guys makes the effort." said Frank, handing them the keys, forgetting that he has cash hidden in the car.

Everyone looked at each other confused and uncomfortable. Finally, all eyes on one particular young guy, until he said "Well, I guess I kinda know how to drive."

The woman nodded to the four "volunteers" she had in mind, handed them $100 cash, as they walked off. "Oh yeah, and get me some beers, and maybe a daiquiri across the street." said Frank, as he handed the guy guy a twenty dollar bill.

A young couple then pulled out a joint, and offered it to Frank, as the trio went towards the corner of the warehouse. A couple of dogs came to them upon smelling the pot. They collectively smoked about 3 or 4 joints, blowing some of it towards the dogs; and talked about random philosophical stuff. Frank shared many of the typical insights he would normally overhear at Paddies Pub from the random arguments / discussions the gang had.

Meanwhile at the car, the four got in. "Hey man, any of yall saw Ferris Buller's Day Off?" said one of the gutter punks. "Man, I am assuming you mean that scene where the valets took the car for a joyride." said another. They all looked uncomfortably at each other, as one nodded. The driver then peeled off and sped off.

Back at the warehouse, it was around midnight. On the first floor, where the vast majority of the gutter punks slept, two industrial metal staircase led to the second "floor." The second level was made up of a labyrinth of walk-able spaces, handrails, etc. The first floor was mostly concrete, with unused machine parts mostly in the center. Near the walls, several old bare mattresses laid on the floor. Several of the gutter punks and a dog or two went to sleep.

The old woman turned to Frank. "They call me the House Queen. I've been living in place for at least 10 years. So, one day when I checked the local ordinances in the local library, it turns out that by Squatters Law, I legally own the place." said the woman, with no way to verify her story. "See, you got to beat the industrial capitalists at their own game. [wink] We here are a community of equals, and we all contribute to the well-being of this place. No freeloading. Good to see that your car came in handy."

Two couples, a same-sex one with the young man that 'discovered' Frank, and an opposite-sex couple were making out, groping each other. In one of the couples, the woman gave the House Queen 'that look.' The House Queen sighed. The young woman took out a five-dollar bill as the House Queen hypocritically took it and pointed at the northwest corner of the building, reached by one of the staircases. "You got 8 hours honey" said the House Queen as they went upstairs for privacy. Then, the guy who brought Frank to the warehouse walked up to the House Queen as if they were to go up together.

"Oh no honey. You good. You did very well today." said the House Queen as the young man went back to his boyfriend, and then they played with one of the dogs. The House Queen then signaled Frank to go upstairs.

As they went upstairs, Frank had a bird's eye view of the bottom floor. The area was dimly lit by glow-in-the-dark tape, which gained its power from the sunlight through the industrial windows. Eventually, they went into what looked like a small electrical room. "Close the door behind you. You're letting all the AC out." said the House Queen sternly

The room had wires all over the place. What looked like a rigged up AC stood in the corned. One of the walls was outfitted by a 42 in flat screen TV. A laptop, a router, and small fridge were also connected to several open sockets. A giant battery connected to the entireapparatus. As Frank looking bewildered, the House Queen said "Oh honey, we're just 'borrowing' electricity from our neighbors. They have so much extra juice I am sure they won't mind."

"Oh, ok." said Frank

"We have to be very careful to ration it. Thats why I got the 42 in. I really wanted a 55 in, but they eat up too much juice. Just make sure you keep the volume on low." said the House Queen, pointing to TV.

"I get about 8 good hours of AC. I have to be careful though, cause if you overdo it that causes brownouts and wears down our equipment." said the House Queen.

"Ok, so what about the rest of the house" said Frank, as she laughed.

"Well, its the only room in house that has power." said the House Queen

"But if some of my house pets don't like the arrangement, in _my house,_ well.." said the House Queen

"They're always free to find another one." continued the House Queen

"Or, they're free to come visit me if they want AC that bad." said the House Queen, coyly

"Ok, so can I charge my phone. Its dead." asked Frank

"Sure thing honey." said the House Queen

"You know, according to our conventional society's rules, they say that we're both about equally unattractive. We don't have that much choice, do we?" said the House Queen, as she took off Frank's cloths.

"Well, it is kinda hot in here, even with the AC." said Frank, as he took off her clothing as well. The air became rancid as neither of the two took more than 3 baths per month.

The Next Morning

The young gutter punks came back from Walmart in the wee hours, carrying in the groceries, mostly nonperishable items. Three women and a guy helped bring the perishable groceries upstairs to the House Queen's room. "Sorry man, the daiquiri shop was closed" said the gutterpunk, as he handed Frank his beers, keeping the change for himself. He bought Frank two six-packs, Abita and Bier Noir. The car had some additional minor scratches on it. Surprisingly, not much was stolen, except for some small cheap items the gutterpunks helped themselves to. Frank's cash was all still there.

"Hey man, nice boot remover you got there. We got a similar model back at the house. Served us very well in this city. Take care." said the gutterpunks, and Frank said goodbye and drove off.

Frank drove half a block to the original parking lot and spent an hour or two partying in the quarter in the wee hours, then went back to the car and took a 4 hour nap. When he woke up, as excepted saw a boot on his car. After putting in the address in his now charged phone GPS, Frank got out of the car and took the boot off; and drove off back to the appartment.


	10. Chapter 10 -- Later Gator

**Chapter 10**

 **Later Gator**

 _Tuesday (mostly)_

Monday night, the gang, minus Frank, just got back to their apartment from Bourbon Street. Mac and Charlie finished unpacking while the gang argued what they should do the next day. Charlie kept nagging the gang that he wanted to go see aligators and go to a crawfish fest, while Dennis kept getting mad that its almost an hour away; until Mac agreed with Charlie. Dee wanted to go see a play in the Saenger Theater, while Dennis just wanted to chill at random bars.

"Ok, fine. We'll go see the gators. Fine, yeah, lets go see a stupid play." said Dennis, highly agitated, as he proceeded to turn on the TV for the one hour before he goes to bed.

"Dude, turn on the local news, that way we get some authentic New Orleans culture." said Charlie

"You know what, fine, whatever. I don't care." said Dennis, flipping to Channel 6 News, where the news talked about another murder. "You see, thats what happens when you wonder the city randomly. I am sticking to Bourbon Street." said Dennis

"..And in other news, another Confederate monument was taken down this afternoon. While some demonstrators and counter-demonstrators took to the streets, sources say the event went peacefully, with only one minor incident, what appeared to be a drunk driving hit and run running into the crowd. Although sources say they don't believe it was politically motivated, NOPD is still looking for the suspect. If you have any information, please call Crime Stoppers at..."

"Damn man, I can't believe Frank isn't here yet." said Mac

"I am sure he's fine. Probably banging some broad." said Dennis

"Well, dude, what if something happened to him." said Charlie

"Well God damn, nothing better have had happened. I already put down my deposit for the rental car." said Dennis

Charlie continued watching TV until he fell asleep on the couch, while the rest of the gang went to their rooms, until they woke up at 9:30 AM the next morning.

The next morning

As the gang woke up, they pointlessly argued about dumb stuff such as what to eat, who should cook, how to make the coffee, etc.

"Well, dude, I am telling you. I should be the one who to drive." said Dennis while Mac kept saying that he should

"Whats all the racket." said Frank sternly

"Frank!" said Mac and Charlie with excitement, as Frank just walked in

"Where the hell you've been. And dude, whats that smell, you smell worse than usual." said Dennis

"Ok, then I guess its settled." said Dennis, pointing to the car, as everyone followed him

"Shotgun!" yelled Charlie.

"Oh, God dammit Charlie. God damn you." said Dee, as Charlie and Dennis got in the front, while Dee, Mac and Frank got in the back seat.

Dennis drove off, got on the main highway over the bridge, and onto I-10. Driving on the long stretch, some 40 to 50 minutes of just driving, was slowly getting to Dennis. Frustrated by the occasional slow driver, idiots riding his bumper, sneaky cops hiding where the long bridge over the swamp curved; was cursing up a storm. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang were enjoying themselves, taking selfies, listening to Frank's adventures from the day before, and enjoying the scenic view of the swamp. Dennis, frustrated and jealous of the rest of the gang that he got stuck with the task of driving, unable to enjoy the view, began snapping at his passengers. Having "won" the argument that he should be the one to "get" to drive; Dennis ranted and raved. "Shut up. Everyone, shut up. I am trying to concentrate." yelled Dennis, and everyone got uncomfortably quiet.

Frank them broke the silence. "Um, guys. Where are we going again." asked Frank

"Oh, God damnit it Frank." yelled Dennis

"We're going to see alligators at a swamp tour." explained Mac

"In 3 point 5 miles, take the exit on I-55. Your destination will be on the left." said the GPS

"Yey, we're almost there" said Charlie, as they got closer and closer, eventually getting onto the property and finding some gravel filled parking.

As they got out of the car, Dennis met with a man with a heavy Cajun accent, with Frank instinctively handing over his wallet to pay. There, they each receive a liability waiver form. Another tour guide, just finishing with the previous group, them called on the gang, and led them through a narrow path through heavy forest into a small motor boat, as they got in. The tour guide, also the captain of boat, then went over some basic safety rules and whatnot, and then they took off.

Riding through the swamps, the tour guide pointed at various baby alligators, explaining the ecology and what not. The boat passed a few small, mostly wooden, houses on the bayou; nothing fancy, as the tour-guide waved at one of the homeowners. The row of houses weren't even connected to a powerline, much less gas lines.

"And these, believe it or not, are worth over two-hundred grand. Its actually very expensive to build on the swamps, because of how expensive it is to move materials. Not to mention, this is waterfront property..." said the tour-guide, as they passed another house; this time one outfitted with solar panels, a satellite dish, and a giant Who-Dat flag, and a US flag. Another house had a motor boat docked, with a confederate flag bumper sticker on the boat.

"Ok guys, this here is an adult male alligator, some 20 years-old." said the tour-guide as he took out a small piece of meat, and the alligator got closer. The alligator jumped slightly in the air to catch the meat.

"Whoa, that was pretty cool" said Mac, as the tour guide then opened up a chest, containing a bunch of marshmallows, and proceeded to feed them some more. The tour-guide was facing the front, starring out into the swamp, steering the boat; not looking at what is happening behind him.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Dennis, without permission, grabbed a handful of marshmallows and began feeding the gators nearby themselves. "Hey, look, I think he likes me. Look at that big smile." said Charlie with excitement. Charlie would then extend his hand, making bite gestures with his hand, as if he were to play with the gator. "Hey, ya'll want to feed them. Throw a couple of marshmallows their way. Don't be afraid, alligators are mostly peaceful creatures and rarely attack humans unless provoked." said the tour guide, turning his attention to Charlie and Dennis.

Charlie then took another marshmallow, teasing the gator with it, moving his hand away at the last second. Finally, threw it toward the gator as the gator jumped up with teeth wide open, biting inches away from Charlies fingers. Charlie extended out his hand, bending over the edge of the boat, snapping his fingers at the gator. "Here boy, come here." said Charlie, as the gator jumped up, not sure if for the marshmallow or Charlie's hand. Mac began doing the same, messing with the gators. "I wonder if he does tricks" asked Charlie. Dennis and Dee were filming the exploits with their phones.

The tour-guide, upon witnessing the gang's increasingly irresponsible shenanigans, started to get uncomfortable. The gator was close enough to the point of Charlie being able to pet him, hanging to the side of the boat. The guide slowed down the boat to minimum speed, reducing the boat's side-motion and risk of Charlie falling over-board. "Hey, yall wanna see something cool" said the guide, pointing to a gaggle of pelicans and some turtles, as a means of distracting the gang away from the gators without ruining their experience. He then took off full speed away from the several gators congregating around the boat as soon as Charlie back away from the edge of the boat.

The tour guide was seasoned enough in his profession to know how to balance the risk of liability against the risk of unhappy customers asking for refunds and/or giving bad reviews online. The tour guide knew full well that just because someone signed a piece of paper waiving their right to sue doesn't mean that the courts will see it that way. As the boat rode towards the turtles and pelicans, Frank took out a bottle of beer he still hand on him, and began drinking it in full view of the guide. "Sorry sir, but the state of Louisiana has a very strict open-container laws." said the tour guide to Frank.

"Oh sorry. Yeah, thats some nanny-state bullshit." said Frank angrily, as gulped down the bottle and threw the bottle overboard into the swamp. The tour-guide, keeping his cool, looked around and sighted with relief that no witnesses were around. "And these turtles here are five years old. Normally, they..." said the tour-guide, explaining the ecology, and such until they got to the pelicans. The tour-guide had briefly mentioned that some turtles are kept in captivity to be released into the wild in case their populations drop below a certain point; but that they also sell some of the left-over turtles.

"Hey, do you think they sell pelicans as well as the turtles. Dude, they should totally do that. That would be so bad ass dude." said Mac

"Nah man, I don't think its legal to sell pelicans dude." said Charlie

"Why the hell not." asked Frank

"Well dude, thats just basic bird law 101 for you. I am telling you, you can't legally sell any birds. I mean I know its bullshit, but I didn't make the laws." said Charlie within the tour-guide's eatshot. The legal talk from Charlie, even if pointless rambling, got the tour-guide nervous. Meanwhile, a boat from the Wild Life and Fisheries approached nearby. The captain saw the tour-guide, and gave a friendly wave at the tour-guide; as he waved back smiling. The tour-guide, hiding his nervousness well, thinking of all the possible fines he could possibly rack up if not other sanctions; praying that these idiots wouldn't do anything stupid right when a government official witnesses it with his own two eyes. From a distance, the guide can still see the littered bottle near the path where the Wild Life boat just passed.

As the boat continued, another set of alligators was within sight. Several baby alligators, feeding, while the mama gator was nearby hunting for food, sitting on a tree log. "Hey, look at those cute baby alligators. Awww." said Dee.

"Man, I have an idea. I think we should feed them. We could totally play with them." said Charlie

"Dude, thats a good idea." said Mac, as he reached out trying to pet the baby gators, as the mama gator witnessed them and jumped off the log and began swimming towards them.

"Hey look, the mama gator is coming. Awwwah, that so cute." said Dee. As soon as the tour-guide heard her, instinctively he put the boat in the next gear and steered the boat as far and fast away from the situation as possible. "Naw its close to their bed time. We don't wanna disturb their nap time" lied the tour-guide, getting out of dodge before it hits the fan.

Soon after, out of nowhere, dark clouds loomed over and thunder crackled nearby. Suddenly, heavy rainfall fell on the gang, soaking them down.

"Ok, our tour is coming to a close. We'll be heading back." said the tour-guide as he speed full speech through the heavy rain back to base. Some 5 minutes later, the rain stopped as the boat got back to dock.

The gang disembarked, got out all excited. "Dude man, I was wrong. I gotta hand it to you Charlie. That was pretty fun." said Dennis, no longer cranky. The entire gang extremely pleased with their excursion, had the time of their lives.

"I know right, that was awesome dude." said Mac, as they walked down the narrow forest path back to the booth. Still wet, the gang decided to wait some 10 minutes to dry off, as Charlie saw several school children, around 4th to 6th graders, congregating around a booth. "Oh my God, they're selling turtles. I gotta have one." said Charlie as he joined the children in line to purchase one and come back.

"Hey yall, time of a free group photo." said a friendly tour-director, as they all smiled for the camera. "Yall come back naw, yall hear." said the director, all smiling. "Oh man, when we come to New Orleans again, we're definitively coming back here." said Denis. As the gang took the photo as a sovereign, they made their way back to the car.

The smiling director walked back to the booth; as his smile quickly faded, holding the camp's copy of the photo. In the backoffice, a wall was filled with photos. At the top, a grouping of five photos in a row, with a banner that read "Banned For Life". The row below, filling with about 20 photos, titled "Keep Close Eye if Back" Based on the decision from a heated discussion a few minutes earlier; an employee posts the photo with push pins on the _bottom_ row as the tour guide typed up notes from the trip, adding to their file.


	11. Chapter 11 -- Tortugas and Crawfish

**Chapter 11**

 **Strawberries, Tortugas, and Crawfish**

 _Tuesday_

 _1:30 PM_

"Shotgun!" said Dee

"Damn." said Charlie, walking towards the car with a turtle in his arms

"Hahaha, bi—tche eessssssss" said Dee, finally getting to ride shotgun in besides when its just her and Dennis

"Oh man, dude, that was awesome." said Mac

"I know, right" said Dennis, finally in a good mood for once, as he starts the car and pulls out of the gravel parking lot, pealing out carelessly as a small rock almost hits another tourist walking nearby

"Ok, well, whats next. Crawfish? I heard that they were real good. Mudbugs I believe the locals call them." said Charlie

"Really. That doesn't sound so tasty" retorted Dee, slightly disgusted at the visual of actually eating a crawfish

"Oh man whatever, you sound like a typical tourist man. I am telling you man, you have to try it." said Charlie

"I don't know. Dude, you _**would**_ eat anything. You would even eat a rat." said Dennis

"Come on, back me up on this Mac." said Charlie

"Well, to be fair Charlie, not that I am disagreeing with you about the crawfish; but dude, coming from you doesn't exactly mean much." said Mac

"Besides, actually, aren't we supposed to be heading to the strawberry festival. Looking at the map and based on what people here told me, its supposed to be in a place called 'the North Shore, not far from where we'll be getting our crawfish" added Mac

"Sounds like a plan, but first we need to fill up since we're running out of gas" said Dennis, as he drove to the nearest town nearby looking for a station.

"Hey man, check this out, there's like a whole bunch of hiking trails we can take at the end of town." said Charlie, as he had a map app opened on his phone on satellite mode, pointing to varies dead end streets, offshooting out of suburban subdivisions.

"Dude, we're not doing that." said Dennis calmly

"Come on, back me up on this Mac. Its like an authentic adventure like the one we just had, only even better because its like without a tour guide. Besides, we're like totally in a real town thats not like overrun by tourists man" said Charlie

"He's got a point." said Mac

"We're behind schedule. Besides, we're in the middle of the suburbs. There's probably like a Walmart and a bank and thats about it here." said Dennis, and he pulled into a gas station he found.

Busy traffic zoomed by at 45 mph. On a nearby 20-mph street on the other side of the station, a guy was riding around town on a golf cart for pleasure down a bike path, waving at Dennis as he passed them up. Dennis waved back and he was finishing up tanking. 'That's weird' thought Dennis, looking out as the guy on the golf cart rode off, apparently with no golf clubs, 'Driving around on a golf cart, that's actually a thing people do?'

Charlie continued pleading his case unsuccessfully until his turtle took a dump, which fell all over Charlie's shirt and fell to the car's floor. Charlie quickly and covertly scooped it up and threw the droppings out the window before Dennis would get the chance to catch him. As soon as Dennis finished, he got into the car and they drove off. Dennis got back onto the I10, and soon after onto old 51 and off to a small town called Ponchatoula on the North Shore.

On their way there, the gang could see the pristine swamps surrounding them. Even Dennis, tasked with driving, would sneak peaks and rubber neck at the scenery. The ride took some 25 to 30 minutes until they arrived at their destination. A small, pristine town, that even the gang would appreciate. As they found a parking spot, they decided to tour the town for some 15 minutes before and toured the town before heading to their next destination- A large strawberry farm, where they let you pick your own strawberries. Nothing terribly exciting, but just the type of mundane task Dennis needed to unwind and take the edge off.

Some 30 minutes passed as the gang just picking strawberries, lost in their thoughts. No pointless arguing or getting agitated at each others stupidity for at least half an hour. Charlie took several strawberries, without washing or taking the stem off, and ate them on the spot. Frank took frequent breaks, as his age wouldn't allow too many consecutive minutes of manual labor. Dennis looked ahead lost in his thoughts, ogling several high school girls who appeared to be on a field trip. Mac, enjoying the workout of the activity, held multiple green strawberry baskets filled to the brim, moreso than the rest of the gang combined.

"I wonder if turtles eat strawberries." said Charlie, ruining the moment

"I don't know dude. I think they eat fish or something." said Mac

"Oh shit, I forgot, we should have cranked the windows open. The car is going to get hot and my turtle could die." said Charlie

"Dude, its like not even hot. Besides, I am pretty sure turtles can survive hot weather dude." said Mac

"I am pretty sure cars can get hot even in this weather. I've heard people say that its like a common thing in the South that happens all the time." retorted Charlie

The gang continued pointless arguing over car heat for another 5 minutes until it was time to go. The gang, satisfied with their picks, came back down to the farm office and made their way out. Touring the small city some more as they left, and even taking a few pictures; eventually made their way back to their car and headed to their next destination; a crawfish festival several miles away. As they found their parking spot and walked to their destination, they've found the perfect location, wooden picnic table right near an oak tree; right before more tourists got there.

"Charlie, go save us a spot in line while I go look for where we can get a few beers." said Dennis as he sat down.

"And get me an Abita, they're real good. And get yourself one as well." said Frank, handing Dennis some cash

Dee joined Charlie as they briefly stood in line as they beat the crowd by a good 30 minutes. They ordered all the crawfish for five people, carrying it all by themselves. Dennis and Mac bought an entire six pack as they came back to the table, as Frank was sitting waiting on them by himself.

"Oh sweet.." said Mac, and they opened the bag. Nothing but crawfish, mixed in with boiled potatoes dipped in spices, with several beers to go with them.

"These potatoes are kinda spicy. I think they put too much spice on them." said Dennis

"Yeah, totally" said Mac, as he slowly pealed the crawfish, "but at least the crawfish are good." trying to figure out how to do it, until a random stranger approached them and showed them how its done.

"Man Charlie, I got to hand it to you. You were right for once. Crawfish are amazing." said Dennis

They spend the next 30 minutes or so enjoying themselves, slowly eating the crawfish until they got full. They then each put their leftovers back in the bag, leaving their leftover crawfish heads and empty beer bottles on the picnic table out of laziness as the trashcan was at least some 100 feet away.

"Shotgun." said Charlie, as he entered the car, with crawfish juice spilling out of the plastic bag onto the car's floor.

"Um, aren't you forgetting something." said Dee

"Um, what. I called shotgun fair and square. You're my witness Frank." said Charlie

"Dude, your turtle is still in the back seat." said Mac, handing him the turtle

"Opps." said Charlie, apologizing to the turtle "my precious, I didn't mean to leave you in the backseat. Hey buddy, want some crawfish." continued Charlie, feeding his turtle leftover crawfish

"So what are you going to name him." asked Mac

"Um, um. Tortuga." said Charlie

"Thats a dumb name." said Frank

"Dude, why Tortuga." asked Dennis puzzled

"Well, you know, cause its like turtle in Spanish and stuff." retorted Charlie

"Yeah, but do you see any Spanish people here. Its like Beaucoup this and Beaucoup that. At least name him for something French." said Dennis

"Well, you say tomato, I say toMatOh" said Charlie

"Whatever dude. So whats next." asked Dennis

"Well, we still plan on going to visit a Plantation and then an authentic Cajun restaurant." said Mac, as They drove off and got back on the highway, making their way to a plantation in a city called Destrehan, some one hour away.

"Dude, wouldn't it be cool if we had a pet alligator. That would totally be bad ass." said Charlie

"What they hell are you going to do with an alligator." asked Dennis

"Well dude, it would be cool to show it off at the bar for one." said Mac

"What, thats insane. I mean, other than how the hell are you going to sneak it through the airport, I don't think our insurance will be pleased with a live litigator roaming around the bar" said Dennis

"Dennis is right." said Frank

"Thank you" said Dennis

"We're gonna have to kill it. We can put a trophy on the backwall." said Frank

"What, no!" said Dennis, slightly annoyed

"I agree with Dennis." said Charlie

"Yes, exact..." said Dennis, interrupted mid-sentence

"It would make like way much more sense to put in on the side where the entrance is." said Charlie

"Well, no dude, you want the customers to see it as the first think when they walk in so they can be like 'whoa, thats so cool, we must go in there'" said Mac

"oh god dam.." said Dennis, again, interrupted

"Yeah, and besides, alligators are green, so they match Paddy Pub's colors." said Charlie

"What! What! God damn it, no. No. No alligators." said Dennis, highly agitated, slowly losing it

"I wonder if we can teach an alligator tricks. Dude, we can teach him to spot underage drinkers and be like 'dude, our gator bouncer say's you're not old enough'. That would be totally badass dude. All those young punks who think they're so tough would like pee themselves." said Charlie

"Dude, I don't think alligators are smart enough, their brains are like super small dude. But that would be bad ass though." said Mac

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP. EVERYONE SHUT UP." said Dennis, as everyone looked around uncomfortably for another 5 minutes.

"Um, Dennis, I think you're going too fast." said Dee, breaking the silence

"You know what. Fine. Whatever." said Dennis, slamming on the brakes, slowing from 80 all the way down to 65, as they lurched forward; as their car made a slight turn where the I-10 bends near the St Charles Parish line.

Everyone got uncomfortably quiet again.

"What crawled up his ass." whispered Mac to Dee.

"Beats me." said Dee, as the gang's small talk crawled to a minimum for the next 40 minutes or so as they drove to their next destination.


	12. Chapter 12 -- Meanwhile

**Chapter 12**

" **Meanwhile"**

 _Tuesday_

 _8:15 AM_

International Waters

"So peaceful" said John Boudreax, looking out the pristine ocean ahead

"Sure is" said the random woman John was chatting up with, as they stared out from the 3rd floor deck of a Carnival cruise ship

"So, first time cruiser?" asked the woman, as she had witnessed John struggling with directions moments earlier

"No, my third time actually." said John, sipping on a mixed drink consisting of ice, unsweetened tea, lemonade, and some vodka he snunk onboard past security

"My 6th. I am like 'this close' to becoming a gold member." said the woman

"Nice." said John, "So, you're like a world traveler by now.", said John, hoping to steer the conversation to a more flirtatious direction

"Yeah, something like that. You?" said the woman

"Yeah, but I am more of a land and air type of guy. Road trips and air-travel on SouthWest are more my type of thing, being on a budget and all." said John

"Well, I am graduate with a liberal arts degree, doing menial paper-filing work my big shot lawyer brother hooked me up with." said the woman, "but I still manage to find money for traveling. To me, thats like the most important thing."

"Yeah, I am in the same boat." said John, as they both laughed at realizing the unintentional pun, looking out the ocean, "Quit community college half way through, and now I work for an AC repair company. Was an auto-mechanic before that."

"Well, at least you should be able to handle the heat then once we get off on land." joked the woman

"Yeah, I guess thats true." said John

"So, mind me asking." said the woman, being slightly uncomfortable invading John's privacy, but curious at the lives of random strangers, "how exactly do you find the time and money to travel. I mean I don't know how well AC repair pays or anything, and I don't want to..." said the woman

"Oh, its actually pretty sweet gig. Also, I have a system." said John

"A system?" asked the woman

"Yeah, see, anytime I travel out of town for three or more days at at time." said John, "I rent out my place on AirBnB."

"Oh?! Yeah, I've heard of that. How is that?" asked the woman

"Yeah, I earn beaucoup money from tourists who come down to the city. Its how I fund my vacations." said John

"Yeah, but like what are risks and stuff. I mean people aren't going to like rob you or trash your place or anything." asked the woman

"Nah. I've rented out my place like 6 times already without incident. The most I got was some nosy neighbor once complained on me to the city council, 'cause she didn't recognize the out of towners and some NIMBYS activists got in her ear." said John

"Well, that sucked." said the woman

"But it all blew over, and all they did was make me pay a small business fee to the City Hall." said John

"Besides, they're middle aged white guys from Philadelphia. I ain't got nothing to worry bout." continued John

"Oh?" said the woman, puzzled.

"Yeah, I mea... these are middle class, middle aged business owners. They own a bar in Philadelphia." said John, swiftly recovering from his previous statement, which he quickly realized probably came off as a bit racist

"The trick is you have to vet your quests carefully. As a good rule of thumb, never, ever, rent to a group of under 25 year old males. Or girls 21 or younger for that matter. You don't want any of that partying or craziness." said John

"Also, ask good pointed questions. Like occupation, education, hobbies, what not. If something doesn't add up, or you just don't like their answers, insist on a credit check." said John

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense." said the woman

"So, would someone who does paper-filing with a liberal arts degree qualify" joked the woman

"Sheeet! You got more of a degree than I do." said John

"Well, I guess too bad I have to go to the airport and fly straight back to Houston when the cruise ends. Otherwise, I might check it out. How much would my rate be." asked the woman

John, not sure if she's just joking or flirting, thinking hard how to answer. John, a single guy in his early 30's, has been doing his fair share of flitering with random women on the ship. The sun is beginning to get brighter as the wee hours of the morning are slowly coming to an end. From a distance, he can finally see what appears to be a strip of land. The ship is now about 10 miles from its first destination.

"Flying to Houston, you must be ballin' then. Sheeet, thats like not even 5 hours driving." said John

"Nah, not really. Besides, after you factor in gas and long term parking, you're really not saving that much money." said the woman

"True dat." said John

"Oh crap. I got to get ready. I think we're almost here." said the woman

"Yeah, me too, I guess maybe we'll meet up some other time. I got to get going myself." said John, taking several selfies and finished drinking his mixed drink as he headed back to his cabin to get ready for his 8 hour trip.

The ship slowly began to decelerate until it coasted down at about half-a-mile an hour. As the ship was slowly creeping into the Cozumel, Mexico port getting ready to dock, John was one of the first passengers in line waiting to exit out to shore.


	13. Chapter 13 -- Skinny Tuesday

**Chapter 13**

 **Skinny Tuesday**

 _Tuesday_

 _Destrehan_

 _4:00 PM_

The gang arrived at their destination, an old Plantation open to tourists. As they met up with the tour guide and made their payments, they finally entered the building. Once inside, the tour guide would explain the history behind each room, and most pieces of furniture and what not.

"Oh my God, these must be like 400 thread-count. Not bad for 18th century furniture." said Dennis, sliding his fingers through one of the beds, ignoring previous instructions not to touch anything.

"Oh my God, thats so cool." said Charlie, as he snapped a few pictures with his phone, ignoring instructions to not use flash photography as his camera flashed. Charlie took multiple stand alone pictures, then a few selfies, and took a few with Dee and Mac.

"Man, I kinda wish they would upgrade these portraits. Dude, they should totally get rid of that picture with that old guy in it." said Mac, wishing he brought his pocket knife so that he could cut out picture

"Mehhhh. My great-grandfather owned a much better Plantation than that." explained Frank proudly, "I am sure I told you guys about him."

"Yes, we heard the story a thousand times already" said Dennis, annoyed by the fake family history stories that Frank would tell the rest of the gang.

"And these chairs right here were actually step up this way so that the Chaperons could watch a young couple, but the couple would never face each other, as this could potentially ruin a young woman's reputation at the time." said the tour guide, pointing out a double set of seats facing away from each other, as the gang ignored him

"I am telling you guys, your great-great grandfather was a hero. You come from a long line of American heroes" said Frank, continuing to tell the gang the story of a non-existent relative.

"Well, except for how how they owned slaves and that one time they helped the British." said Dennis, referring to the made up story Frank told the gang when his ancestors cracked the Liberty Bell.

"It was the times." said Frank

"You seem to be a bit too fond of them." said Dennis

"Well, I am telling you, …." said Frank

"And this right here is the study room." said the tour guide, interpreting their conversation and he continued.

"Oh, look at that pretty view." said Dee, as she looked out a window, pointing to the scenery out towards the Mississippi River.

The tour inside the Plantation lasted some 40 minutes. As it came to a close, once all the major rooms were explored, the tour guide let them out by the gardens, and left them to their devices. A giant Cypress tree stood in the center of the garden. Several Hispanic grounds-keepers tended to the bushes where the building started.

"Wouldn't it be funny if they were here illegally" said Charlie

"I know right" said Dennis

"Dude, that would be kinda ironic though." said Mac

"What?" asked Dennis

"I mean think about it. They used to use slaves to keep the area neat. Now they're like using illegal slave labor instead." said Mac

"Whoa, I didn't even think of that." said Charlie

"I am telling you man. The Mexicans are taking the jobs that the blacks did." said Frank, crudely

"Well, I mean no. I mean yeah, but thats not what we're talking about" said Mac, as they continued talking and arguing, taking random pictures, for another half an hour or so until they got bored.

The gang left the Plantation and their next stop was a Cajun restaurant, or as Charlie would call it, and "authentic Cajun restaurant." They went inside looking through the menu. "Ok, lets order something to eat that like doesn't exist back in Philadelphia." said Mac

Dennis and Mac ordered alligator gumbo. Charlie ordered turtle soup. Frank and Dee ordered some seafood and a po-boy. They continued having their typical dumb conversations. Charlie was still trying to get everyone on board with his idea of getting a live alligator for the bar. Dennis was smiling as he was in a better mood now.

"I am telling you guys, I don't care what people say. This food is delicious." said Dennis

"I know right. Who would have thought that alligator meat would take so good. I would have never in a million years guess that I would eat something that looks so disgusting." said Dee, as she took a bite of Dennis's plate.

As the gang mostly finished their food, they put their leftovers into their to-go plates and left the restaurant. "Ok, I think thats it for the day. Lets head back home." said Dennis, as the gang agreed.

Dennis and the gang drove straight back to their apartment, some 30 minutes away. Dennis, back in his better mood, didn't even mind the dumb conversations in the back seat. The gang continued taking pictures, some with swamps in the background. Dennis turned on his WAYZ app as he noticed a couple of cop cars hiding nearby. "You're not catching me like a dumb tourist. Not today, not today." muttered Dennis to himself with a smirk.

"Man, I am so tired, I think I see a nap." said Mac, as they exited the car and made their way back to the apartment.

"Oh cool, it arrived." exclaimed Charlie, as he picked up the package from Amazon that arrived at their doorstep.

"Dude, what the hell. Why are you buying things at this address." asked Dennis, perplexed

"Well, it a little project of mine." said Charlie, as they walked in.

"Well, I am ready to hit the sack. I'll wake up in a hour." said Mac

"Well, I have an very important case to work on." said Charlie, as he opened up his laptop and let Tortuga out of his arms, free to roam around the table.

"Case?" asked Dennis, annoyed

"Yeah, I am a highly esteemed Bird Lawyer. Did you forget about that." rebutted Charlie

"Yeah, ok, whatever." said Dennis, dismissively, as he pointed to Dee and Frank, "come on, lets get ready."

Mac and Charlie decided to stay in. Their plan was for Mac to take a long nap while Charlie worked on his big report, and afterwards they would randomly explore the city of Westwego. Tortuga took another dump and then peed all over the table as Charlie munched on some left over crawfish working on his paper.

Dennis and Dee's plan was to go to a play in the Saenger Theater, and then go to Bourbon Street afterwards. Frank's plan was to tag along with them so that he could get drunk on Bourbon. As they approached their destination, Dennis was getting slightly agitated at the constant traffic jams, "no left turn" and "no turn on red" signs, and the difficulty of finding cheap parking. Dennis then dropped off Dee as he continued hunting for a parking spot, until he found a 14-floor lot down an alley, some 6 minutes away walking.

"I am gonna take a nap. I need one. I don't want to watch some dumb, boring, play" said Frank,

"Suit yourself" said Dennis as he left Frank in the car and walked to his destination. Frank got out of the car, and stared at the scenery of downtown New Orleans from the 10th floor of the parking garage. "A lot better than some stupid play." muttered Frank, as he took another swig from his hidden flask. Frank looked around for another 30 minutes, even taking a few pictures, until he got bored and went back to sleeping in the car.

Meanwhile, Dee and Dennis watched the play. Dee was mesmerized, picturing herself on stage while the crowd cheered her acting. Dennis, while not a huge play fan, was still somewhat amused by the quality of the performance. "Hey, this isn't so bad." thought Dennis, as he sat through the two hour play.

As the play ended and the audience clapped, "I'll go get the car and pick you up" said Dennis

"Ok", said Dee, as she walked towards the front of the play.

"Oh, excuse me. Hi. I am a somewhat famous actress in Philadelphia, Dee Reynolds. You may have heard of me." said Dee, talking to one of the security guards

"Ok. If you wish to make an appointment to meet with the cast, here are their business cards." said the security guard, keeping her at arms length away from the crew, as several men in the background carried the props off the stage.

Dee, not giving up, kept arguing and flirting with security guards, making wild attempts to meet any of the cast members. After 10 minutes of trying, and surprisingly not getting kicked out by security by now as they were too busy with other matters; and pushing and sneaking through security, Dee finally made contact with a very minor extra character during the play.

"Hi, I am Dee Reynolds. If you were ever an actor in Philadelphia, you probably heard of me." said Dee, catching him before he went off to the dressing room

"Oh hi." said the young man, an intern new to the playwright scene, completely unaware of Dee's fib

"Here's my business card." he said. "I am afraid I never got the chance to visit- Philadelphia" said the man, in his acting voice.

"Well, I am Dee Reynolds. I don't have a business card, but I can give you my info, and maybe we can hopefully do a play together. I really enjoyed your work." said Dee

"Oh ok, sweet" said the young man, as his manager yelled at him looking for him. "Hey, I gotta go." said the young man, as they both took down each other's information walking off, both smiling; each thinking that this is their big break as they both think the other is about to make them famous.

Meanwhile, Dennis is mindlessly walking back to the parking lot. Absentmindedly walking down a street, a car honks at Dennis to get out of the way. "Damn, these drivers are so rude. I thought this was supposed to be the Big Easy" though Dennis, as he made his way to the parking lot and to his car.

"Huh. What happened." said Frank, as he got woken up by Dennis.

"Dude, we have like 8 minutes before he get charged for the next hour." said Dennis, and he quickly pealed out and drive down the lot as quickly to the gate as possible, with his ticket ready.

Dennis paid the fee, and bolted out into traffic, making his way back to Dee. Suddenly, his car got stuck in a heavy traffic jam. "Arrrrrrrhhhh." exclaimed Dennis out of frustration. As soon as the traffic eased up, Dennis aggressively drove forward switching lanes so that he can make a u-turn. A car nearby zoom by through an intersection, followed by a flashing light.

"There it is. You saw that." said Frank

"Not now, I am trying to concentrate" said Dennis annoyed, looking for the best place to make a legal u-turn on Canal Street, as a street car from a distance zoomed in closely almost hitting his car.

"Thats that flash I've been talking about earlier. And not a cloud in the sky. I am telling you, this must be the crazy New Orleans weather." said Frank

"Dude, whatever." said Dennis, highly agitated at the traffic. "It would have been quicker for Dee to just walk with me." muttered Dennis, realizing 10 minutes had passed driving.

As the light turned green, traffic crawled forward, being blocked by right turning traffic, unable to go due to tourist pedestrians jaywalking. "Oh God damn tourists. God damn you to hell." yelled Dennis hypocritically, forgetting he did the exact same thing just 15 minutes ago.

Dennis finally squeezed into a pickup area as Dee had waited for him for some 2 minutes and got it, just as the light had turned red again in front of him. "Oh God dammit." yelled Dennis at the light. As the light turned green some 45 seconds later, traffic wouldn't budge as a mule with a sight-seeing carriage slowly walked up Canal. "Arrrrrhhhhggghhh. Seriously?" exclaimed Dennis, barely keeping it together.

"Oh man, we should totally ride in one of those." said Dee, annoying Dennis further

"Shut up Dee." said Dennis, as he pealed off and made his walk to the next parking lot near Bourbon.

Once on Bourbon, his mood improved as the trio had fun for the next 2 and a half hours or so. As Dee got drunker and drunker, she celebrated by yelling loudly and slapping several random men on the butt. Dennis enjoyed ogling random young women while Frank enjoyed a blues band on Decatur Street.

Meanwhile, Mac drove Charlie around through the suburbs of Westwego after his nap ended. While not a terribly exciting place to visit, Charlie enjoyed a break from his work. Once their mini-trip was complete, Charlie went back to his work for another hour or so; working on his 20 page document with various non-sense legalese paragraphs, charts, and diagrams. "Oh man, I am beat." said Charlie, as he printed out his documents.

Leaving his leftover crawfish and the empty tails on the table rather than putting them up in the refrigerator, Charlie feed Tortuga and went to bed. "Big day tomorrow." said Charlie


	14. Chapter 14 -- I Fought the Law

**Chapter 14**

 **I fought the Law**

 _Wednesday_

 _City Hall_

 _1300 Perdido Street_

 _New Orleans_

 _9:00 AM_

"But, but, but... You can't even see anything. Its pitch black." protested the man, fighting a red-light camera speeding ticket, pointing at a picture, a pitch black canvas, with only the licenses plate lit up.

"Is that your car's licenses plate. Yes or No" said the main judge nonchalantly, an elderly black man with a long graying beard, with a no-nonsense demeanor- an annoyed resting face

"Yes, that is the licenses plate, but come on, you can't even see my car in the video. How can you even tell whether or not it was speeding. Seriously?!" protested the man

"Any other defenses?" said the main judge, again non-nonchalantly, almost as if he was holding back a sigh

"Well no. But come on. I guess thats all." said the man, resting his case

The three judges looked at each other, and 5 seconds later the main judge said "We find you responsible for the traffic violation, one-five-four-dash-five-three-one. Next." said the judge

Mac and Charlie were sitting in the waiting room, waiting for their case to be called. Seven other people were in the room, waiting for their cases as well. Charlie was holding a manila folder, filled with his 24 page document, in an effort to contest Dennis's $50 parking ticket from Monday on Bourbon Street. It contained various drawings, screenshots of the area from Googlemaps- both satellite and street mode, and various nonsense pseudo-legalese writings. Charlie was looking over his document in case he needed to make last minute fixes.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing. I really think we should just admit that we're tourists who parked illegally because we didn't know better and apologize and hope the judge goes easy on us." said Mac

"Dude, just let me do all the talking, ok." Charlie snapped back angrily

"Well, ok, fine." said Mac

As Charlie continued looking over the documents, Mac suddenly added.

"Its just that, you know dude. I feel like we never admit to being in the wrong, no matter what, you know what I mean. I mean, dude, like for instance we should just admit that Dennis was right about the parades. Dude, there's not going to be any parades this week. We should just own up to it and admit to Dennis that he won the bet. Just like we probably should own up to parking illegally." continued Mac

"Well, dude. Just trust me dude. I know my law, I know what I am doing." snapped Charlie

"They have parades." said a random stranger out of nowhere, matter-of-factly, overhearing their conversation

"What?" asked Mac

"No dude, me and my friend (pointing to Mac) had this bet with this other guy. And he was like Mardi Gras was over and that the parades were over but I was then like no dude, they like totally still have parades so then we had this huge bet. But its cool. I guess you can't win then all." rambled Charlie

"Yup, they still have parades." continued the stranger, a fellow defendant waiting for his case

"What do you mean. No dude, I googled it and Mardi Gras was over like 3 weeks ago." rebutted Mac

"They still have St Patrick's this week." said the man, "Got one later this afternoon uptown as-a-matta-a-fact. Then another one Friday near the quarter, and the final one on Sunday in Metairie" said the man

"Well no dude. That doesn't count. We mean like a parade parade. Like a real, New Orleans parade, where they throw beads and stuff." said Mac

"Yup, they throw beads." said the man.

Charlie and Mac looked at each other, with a bit of excitement in their eyes.

"You mean like beads, beads" asked Charlie

"Yup. Beads. Cups. Frisbees. Plush toys. Potatoes and other vegetables. Hell, if yall lucky you might even catch a cabbage." said the man. "Whatever you do, just don't park on the neutral ground or else you'll wind up back here." he added jokingly

"You mean they still have Mardi Gras parades. Dude, thats awesome. Now we can tell Dennis to shove it. Thanks dude, you're awesome." said Mac

"No, no, its not Mardi Gras. Its St Patrick's parade." said the man, while the two ignored him, all excited.

"Reynolds" said the judge, calling for the next case

"Oh my God, we should totally go there." said Mac, as Charlie was googling the parades

"Mr. Reynolds" yelled the judge louder, "Do we have a Mr Reynolds. Ok, we can dismiss the ca..." said the judge, as Charlie caught on in the last movement

"Yes, we're ready."

"Good luck" said the random stranger

Charlie and Mac were led to a small room, away from the rest of the crowd. For privacy sake's, each defendant would have their case in that room away from the others. There, they faced the three judges, with a table separating them longways. Out the windows, you could see downtown New Orleans with a bird's eye view.

"Your great esteemed judges, your great honors. I, Charlie Kelly, an esteemed expert of Bird Law and other layerings, am hereby challenging a single, one count of one-five-four-dash-nine-seven-seven, that a Mr Dennis Reynolds is hereby accused of..." said Charlie, in an annoying fake accent

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" said the main judge, interrupting Charlie mid-sentence, nonchalantly. "Also, this hearing is recorded."

"Why, yes, certainly we do." said Mac, as Charlie angrily nudged him, a reminder to let Charlie do the talking

"Please proceed." said the judge

"Your honor, I would like to now cross examine the state's star witness, the honorable meter-maid that issued the citation." said Charlie

"That is not allowed. The issuing officer will only testify on the last weekday of the month. If you want to cross-examine the officer, you would need to reschedule your hearing." said the judge

Charlie and Mac looked at each other, whispering. "Well dude, I had my whole case planned around the meter-maid testifying."

"Oh come on dude. That's bullshit. We're tourists, we're not going to be around for that." said Mac

"I know right. Thats totally bullshit. Come on man, thats like totally not fair." said Charlie, in his normal voice, dropping the fake legalese accent

The main judge raised an eyebrow at the profanity and sighed. The two other judges looked at each other, confused.

"Well, in any case your honors. Even with such disadvantages going against me, I shall still continue challenging the citation in hand." said Charlie, reverting back to his original fake accent

"Besides, we're tourists, its totally unfair to give us tickets for parking on Bourbon Street. Thats like your most famous street." said Mac, as Charlie nudged him, whispering "let me do the talking."

"I think what my esteemed colleague is attempting to say, is that it is the very definition of entrapment to using, shall we say, a _tourist trap_ , such as Bourbon Street, unfairly targeting tourists to make revenue. Is it not upon the intrusion of the communique of justice." said Charlie

"Oh. Kay?" said the main judge

"You are lucky the car didn't get towed." another judge interjected, while the main judge gave him a look to hush

"Furthermore, I would now like to begin questioning the alleged facts of the ticket. For example, the meter-maid says the car was parked on Bourbon Street, near Canal, on the night of question. But. Could it not be the case that the car was actually parked on. Thun thun num. On Canal Blvd instead." said Charlie

"You mean the car was parked illegally on Canal Blvd and not on Bourbon Street." asked the judge inquisitively

"I mean, we could may have?" replied Charlie, meekly

"The citation for parking illegally on Canal Street is higher than parking on Bourbon. Are you saying that we should amend the citation?" asked the judge.

"Well, ok, dude. Maybe we didn't park on Canal." said Charlie in regular voice, then switching back to fake the accent. "But. But, perhaps. pause The time on the ticket was incorrect. Aha!" said Charlie, thinking he got a point

"Go on." said the judge, nonchalantly

"Well, according to my research, obviously, if the time is wrong, then how do you prove that it was illegal to park at that time. I would like a motion to subpoena the officer's calibration records of his or her watch. I don't in fact believe that the officer's watch is properly synchronized with standard GNT time." said Charlie

"Parking on Bourbon Street is illegal 24/7" said the judge nonchalantly

"Well, ok, yeah. But objection. Aha. My research indicates that parking at different times has a different fine. So if the officer's watch is not synchronized, then how do you know that the ticket amount is correct." said Charlie, with Mac doing the "oh snap" in the background

"Are you telling me that the officer's watch is off by 5 hours. Honestly, I wouldn't expect it to be off by more than 5 minutes." said the judge, nonchalantly and annoyed

"And also. Did the officer in question take pictures or have video evidence. Because how do we know that we didn't actually park legally on Decatur Street and the officer got facts wrong." said Charlie

"You just confessed to parking on Bourbon Street less than 10 minutes ago." said the judge

"Well, ok, but. Motion to dismiss the previous comment. Let the record show that it was a hypothetical." said Charlie.

"Any other defenses" said the judge, hoping to wrap up the case

"Well, your honors. Since we're being honest. It is my opinion that the system is rigged. Me and my esteemed colleague did not have proper legally representation, as entitled by our Constitutional 5th Amendment. I motion for a federal appeal." said Charlie

"You just told us that you were an Bird Law expert less than 10 minutes ago." said the judge

"Um, um, well..." continued Charlie

The non-sense went on for nearly an hour, with Charlie going over every single page, one by one, making up fake motions and carefully pointing through maps. The judges, out of legal protocol, listened attentively to the nonsense and carefully examined the document as Charlie went over it. The main judge, annoyed, looking at the clock; while not wanting to reward this behavior, but also not wanting to risk throwing out any tickets for the other defendants in case their cases don't get heard in the time-slot, much less going through this again in case Charlie appeals; decided to put a stop to this.

One of the side judge's stomach grumbled a bit, as she had skipped breakfast and it was time for her brunch. Roughly halfway, as Charlie was still on the 13th page, the judges looked at each other, as the main judge said "Ok, we'll discuss this in the back and convene shortly."

The judged went into a back room, discussed the case in a backroom away from Mac and Charlie's earshot as Mac and Charlie got a bit nervous. "Typical. This must be part of the legal system's chicanery. I bet they're not even recording what they're saying" said Charlie, as the judges came back in about 3 minutes

"Ok, hypothetically, lets say that you did not park on Bourbon Street as the ticket says, and/or the time on the ticket is wrong. But say you still parked illegally within the French quarter, so the officer was correct in giving you the citation, but incorrect in the code. Would you at least admit to that." said the judge

"It is within my 4th Amendment Right to not incriminate myself, so no, I would not admit to that." said Charlie proudly in an even more exaggerated fake accent

"We could reclassify your ticket to a different code, lowering your citation to a $40 fine from the original $50. Doing such, this would conclude this hearing and waive your legal right to appeal with the city. You then would have 30 days to sue the city through the state court." said the judge

"Well, I motion to plead not-guilty-by-no-contest. I will take state's offer, but. With a notation that we are not means-raza admitting to the citation but only to satisfy the court's plea agreement." said Charlie, as the judge concluded the case, with the judges looking at each other in relief.

Mac and Charlie jumped up and down with excitement, high-fiving and hugging each other, celebrating as if they had won a state championship game. "We did it. We beat City Hall." yelled Charlie, as they exited the room, fist bumping the other defendants in the waiting room including the man who told them about the St Patrick's Parade, as they continued walking towards the elevator.

"Oh shit." said Mac

"What is it." said Charlie

"Dude, we only put enough change in the parking meter for 2 hours. We have like 3 minutes left." said Mac, looking at his watch, as they entered the elevator on the 8th floor

"God dammit." yelled Charlie, as the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor, slowing them down.

"Seriously, thats like only two flights of stairs." said Mac to Charlie, offending the woman who just walked in, clearly within earshot.

They bolted out of the elevator as soon as the door started to open, slightly shoving the woman back,and then ran across the lobby and out of the building. Rudely bumping through other pedestrians on the sidewalk, they then bolted across four-lane traffic without looking, nearly getting ran over; and back through the narrow alley where they parked. Unfortunately, it looked like it was too late; their car greeting them with a bright orange ticket.

There she was. A heavy-set meter-maid in her 50s, standing behind the car, entering the same information on the ticket into her electronic pad. "Wait, I got an idea." said Charlie. "Just trust me."

"You go drive, just hurry, let me handle this." said Charlie, as Mac got into the car and quickly drove off.

Charlie then, like a maniac, jumped in a diving motion between the car and the meter-maid, blocking her view of the license plate number in the last second. Charlie pictured the event in slow motion, as if he was saving the day, with the meter-maid saying "Nnnooooooooo!. Wwhhaatt tthhee hheelllll"

The meter-maid had entered all but one of the plate's digits into her keypad, missing the last one thanks to Charlie's obstruction; as Charlie fell to the ground, earning a few minor bruises for his effort. He slowly got up as Mac sped away.

"Ha ha." said Charlie to the meter-maid as he got up

"Well, sshhhheeeeee. How the hell do I hit cancel." she muttered to herself annoyed, as Charlie tried to help her

"Sorry, nothing personal, but we just came back from contesting another bs ticket. I refuse to get a ticket- while contesting a ticket." said Charlie

"Well shheee, you should have called the court ahead of time and arranged for parking with them. The website link on the ticket would have told you that." said the meter-maid, annoyed while canceling out the entry.

Mac then called Charlie on his phone, while Charlie explained the situation. Charlie then ran off towards the car as Mac slowed down to 3mph, opened the passenger door and jumped into the moving vehicle. Mac then sped off as soon as Charlie closed the door while the meter-maid watched from a distance angrily muttering "I am too old and heavy for this shit."

Mac and Charlie laughed and again high-fived each other, with both the now worthless orange parking ticket and the paid meter stub still stuck in their windshield, even at high speeds. "Dude, we should totally keep these as souvenirs" said Mac, referring to the ticket and the stub. As they drove back to the apartment, Charlie took more selfies as they went over the Crescent City Connection, with at least one picture with the ticket in it.

"Hey yo" yelled Mac and Charlie- filled with excitement, couldn't wait to tell the rest of the gang about their morning, as they barged into the apartment; while Dennis, Dee, and Frank argued about something pointless.


	15. Chapter 15 -- Parades, part 1

**Chapter 15**

 **Parades, part 1**

 _Wednesday_

 _Westwego_

 _10:30 AM_

Dennis and Dee woke up, much later than usual. They both woke up with a hard, pounding headache, most likely from a hangover, now that their age was catching up with them. Shortly afterwards, Frank woke up as well. He however did not have a headache, being a much more hardcore drinker than the two.

"Arrrrrrrhhhhhh, my head hurts. Where's the coffee filters." shirked Dee

"What, no. No Dee, let me handle the coffee. You don't know how to make it right." said Dennis, annoyed

"What the hell are you talking about." exclaimed Dee, reaching for a bag of a chickary and coffee mix

"What the hell is this nasty crap." yelled Frank, pointing to the bag of chickary / coffee mix

"Also, by the way, dude, take a god damn shower. Dude, you reek, even worse so than usual." said Dennis to Frank, covering his nose

"You smell like a homeless woman's vagina. Good lord, you've been wearing that stuff for 2 days now." said Dee

"Good one Dee." said Dennis, for once complimenting Dee on a joke

"Fine. Whatever. While you two pansies who can't even handle your liquor make your crap water you call coffee, I'll go take a shower. By the way, there the hell is Mac and Charlie." said Frank

"Who gives a shit." said Dennis

"Oh, probably on one of their ' _authentic adventures'_ again." joked Dee; "I am on a roll bitches" her inner monologue voice said, while Dennis and Frank ignored her.

"I am telling you guys, those two are going to get themselves killed in this crazy town. They need to be more careful." said Frank

"Thats coming from the guy who banged a homeless woman. Just shut up Frank and go take your shower." said Dennis, as Frank makes his way to the bathroom, while Dee and Dennis argue about how to properly make coffee; eventually agreeing on taking turns making their own pot.

"God damn it." said Dennis, as he tripped over Charlie's turtle, spilling his coffee all over the floor.

Tortuga has fallen off the table that Charlie did his work sometime during the night, being stuck on the floor upside down. Dennis tripping over it, setting Tortuga back the correct way, as it began wondering around the apartment. Dee meanwhile took Dennis coffee pot off the burner and put an empty pot while making her.

Dennis, already annoyed from his headache and just having been tripped, snapped back at Dee for taking his coffee of the burner. The two argued for several more minutes while Frank came out of the bathroom being done with his shower. Dee almost gagged as the smell of Frank's old clothing still on the floor punched her nose.

"Oh, oh, oh God damnit Frank. God damn it. Put your cloths in a bag or something." yelled Dee, as the three, all annoyed, continued arguing.

"Hello" said Dennis, picking up his phone as a friend of a former frat bro called him

"Yo, its Cody. Hey, you still coming over and chill at 5. Our house is just a few blocks from the Tulane campus." said Cody

"Yeah, sure thing." said Dennis, as they talked some more and made their plans.

"Hey yo" yelled Mac and Charlie- filled with excitement, as they couldn't wait to tell the rest of the gang about their morning, as they barged into the apartment; while Dennis, Dee, and Frank argued in the room.

"Dude where the hell you've been." said Dennis

\- talking at the same time -

"Dude, check it out, we just found out, there's like totally still Mardi Gras. We need to check that shit out." said Mac

"Oh man, dude, Dennis, I like totally beat your ticket for you man. You like don't have to pay it. Well, I mean you don't have to pay the full $50." said Charlie

"And oh my God. You should have seen Charlie, he like totally jumped out of nowhere and saved us from getting another parking ticket as well." said Mac

\- /talking at the same time -

"Wait, what, what." said Dennis, unable to follow, as his head still pounded, while he sipped coffee

"Ok, dude, check this out. This guy told us that they still have Mardi Gras parades. Dude, they have this St Patricks thing." said Mac

"Yeah man, Dennis you were wrong. So you lost the bet." said Charlie, as Mac and Charlie did their victory dance.

"What. What. What the hell are guys talking about. And also, ticket?" said Dennis, annoyed and confused

"Oh yeah dude. We went to City Hall this morning to fight your bs ticket. I thought you would be grateful for my free legal services. But you know what, its cool dude." said Charlie

"What, no, no one told you to do that. I was just gonna pay it. Its only like 50 bucks. Besides, we were clearly parked illegally. How the hell did you pull that off." said Dennis

"Well, dude, I mean I didn't beat the whole ticket. But dude, they reduced it to $40, because they couldn't prove the exact location and time of the alleged violation." said Charlie proudly

"Ok, so let me get this straight." said Dennis annoyed. "So you spent $1.00 in ink and printer paper, $4.15 in parking fees to only almost get another ticket, and half a day to save $10." said Dennis

"Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?" uttered Charlie uncomfortably. "I mean if you put it that way."

"And besides, dude, we have St Patrick's Parades like everyone. I am talking about a real New Orleans parade, one where they actually throw beads." said Dennis

"Yeah, dude. They totally throw beads. I mean if you wanna bet again on this, and trust me you will lose dude." said Charlie

"Whatever. I am going to hang out with some friends of a friend who were in my frat near the Tulane campus. You go to your stupid parade." said Dennis

"Well, I am telling you dude, we're going to catch so many beads, and we might even catch some vegetables for me to cook, because everyone knows that gay men are the best chefs." said Mac

"What, who says that." said Dee

"What? What, no. What beads? What the hell are you talking about. No one throws beads for St Patricks Parades, thats just a Mardi Gras thing. And who the hell throws vegetables at parades?" said Dennis, highly agitated.

"Well, suit yourself." said Charlie, as he showed Dennis pictures of previous St Patrick's Parades on , with people decorated with beads, as Dennis snatched Charlie's phone out of his hand.

Looking through the pictures, parade routes, etc, Dennis realized that he was wrong about the beads. Also, he realized that tonight's route was very near where his frat party would be at. Mac and Charlie were doing victory dance, with the belief that they won the bet.

"Well, guess what. Turns out the frat party is right down next to the parade route, and they do throw beads. They're also doing a cookout and a crawfish boil. I guess I can hang out with you guys for a while." said Dennis

"So that means we won the bet." said Charlie, as he and Mac continued his dance.

"What? No. No, dude. You didn't win." said Dennis, annoyed. "This is a St Patrick's Parade, not Mardi Gras, thats a totally different thing."

"Well, but then how come they throw beads." said Charlie, as they continued arguing who won the bet.

"Ok, but the bet on who can catch the most beads is still on?" interjected Frank, as everyone looked at each other.

\- all talking at the same time.

"We're gonna have hot chicks at our frat party that you losers aren't going. They're totally gonna get me the most beads." said Dennis

"Man, me and Charlie can totally get the most beads." said Mac

"I bet you bitchas I will get more beads than all you combined. Cause I got something none of you got." said Dee

"Man, dude, we can totally go head to toe if you wanna bet on who can get the most beads." said Charlie

"Tit-Hasss." continued Dee

\- /talking at the same time

"GOD DAMMIT SHUT UP EVERYONE." yelled Dennis, with his pounding headache, while everyone looked around uncomfortably.

The gang continued pointlessly arguing, making their side bets on who can catch the most beads, etc; and making their plans in general. After further discussion, the gang agreed to go to all three parades, today's, Friday's, and the final one on Sunday around noon. Charlie brought in his now-void parking tickets back inside and put it with his important papers. Dee and Dennis's headaches slowly dissipated as they got coffee in their system and hours went by. Meanwhile, Tortuga continued randomly exploring the apartment, getting under a sofa, and taking a dump.

Around 3:30, as the gang realized its time to head out, they took off; Charlie and Mac in one car while the rest in Dennis's car, until they got to their destination: an off campus frat house about two blocks from the parade route.

"God dammit. Dammit." yelled Dennis, as he got blocked by the parade route.

"Don't be such a pussy. You can totally make it. The parades aren't even starting and the cops aren't looking." said Frank

"Shut up Frank. I don't want to end up in jail." said Dennis, as he continued cursing, slowly navigating his way around the blockages and slow moving pedestrian traffic; slowly getting more frustrated as time went on.

"God damnit." yelled Dennis, slamming on his brakes, as a drunk young guy in his mid twenties walked right in front of his car. People were slowly milling around, some getting out of Dennis's way. A wildly thrown Nerf football bounced off a side of their car, further annoying Dennis. Dennis could barely drive 5 mph due to both heavy pedestrian and car traffic. After inching around, He finally found an area where he could cut across St Charles Street which hasn't yet been blocked off by the cops yet. He then turned around, back the other way, speeding up to 10 on a 35 mph street; and called the frat bros letting them know that he's going to be late.

"Where the hell is Dennis." said Charlie, as Mac crept up the frat house, looking for parking. Mac took a different route, because his GPS warned him about the blocked roads; however he didn't share the info with Dennis not wanting to further agitate over an argument over which route to take.

"Hey, we're friends of Dennis Reynolds." said Mac, as a young frat guy, who didn't even know who Dennis was, pointed at the street.

"Yo dawg, just park anywhere down the street. Just don't block anybody's driveway. Ya'll good." said the young man, as Mac parked their car.

Mac and Charlie got out and introduced themselves to random people nearby, as they waited for Dennis to get there for some 15 minutes. After chic chatting numerous people, they eventually ran into Cody who recognized the name Dennis.

"Oh yeah, the Big Den. We've heard so much about him. Just spoke with him on the phone; I guess he's still stuck in traffic. Yall come chill here before we head out to the parades." said the guy, as Mac and Charlie walked in the 3-story frat house.


	16. Chapter 16 -- Parades, part 2

**Chapter 16**

 **Parades, part 2**

 _Wednesday_

 _St Charles Street_

 _New Orleans_

 _4:00 PM_

Dee, Dennis, and Frank finally get to the destination, the frat house near Tulane University. The three made small talk with some the frat bros as they entered the frat house. Meanwhile on the second floor, Mac and Charlie and some two dozen people there are milling around. A few of the coeds mildly flirted with Mac and Charlie; making Mac slightly uncomfortable, as Dennis walked into the room, then Dee and Frank.

"Lets get the parttttyy started, bitches." said Dee, as she entered while walking up to a random 20-something-year old frat guy running her finger slowly down the guy's chest.

Dennis and his new buddies were gathering up the folding chairs and kegs as they all headed out. Dennis then whispered to one of the guys to have a private conversation as he stepped away from everyone.

"Hey bro, check this out. My friends are kinda being dicks, and they're like obnoxious about it saying that they can catch more beads than I can. Can you hook a guy up and like have one of your hot chicks catch a bunch of beads so that we can win this thing. Just keep it between us." whispered Dennis

"You got it." said the guy, winking

"What was all that about." asked Dee

"Oh nothing, we're just talking about old times, like how my frat brothers once poisoned the other team's drinks in the flipping game, and he told stories from what his frat did back in his day. You know, the usual." said Dennis

"It sound like you were plotting something." said Dee

"Oh no, its guy stuff. You wouldn't understand. Just go." said Dennis

"Yeah, whatever." said Dee, as they headed out, still bickering about the bet.

"I bet I'll catch more beads than all of you. Cause I got ti. Tdayss." said Dee, in an annoying obnoxious voice.

"Yeah, whatever, you're not catching much with those mosquitoes bites you call breasts." said Dennis

"Well, ok, but I am on Mac's team. We'd make an awesome team, we'll like beat all of you." said Charlie

"Ok, well, I am Dee's team. Team Titties." said Frank

"What. No, no God damni-" said Dee, interrupted

"Ok, fine, you're on." said Mac

"Oh whatever guys, I am hanging out with my frat half-brothers." said Dennis, as the group split up, each grabbing a handful of plastic bags

"I don't know man. We kind of could have used Dee's titties on our team. And Dennis has his frat guys." said Charlie nervously to Mac

"Relax dude, I've got this." said Mac

"Get a load of these." yelled Dee, as she lifted up her shirt as the first float rolled by. The guy on the float, with a giant smile on his face, elbowing his crew mates to get their attention, throw a whole bag filled with beads at her. "Sweet." said Dee

"Oh man, its so sad this might be my last parade ever. My AIDS its finally kicking in and the doctors say I probably have less than a year left." said Frank loudly, within the earshots of multiple people around.

"Hey" said a random 50 year-old woman, tapping Frank on the shoulder, as he turned around, "huh?"

Unexpectedly, she flashed him and then put six large beads around his neck, while several people around him cheered.

"Dad, what are you doing." whispered Dee

"I am doing the old 'Boo hoo, I got AIDS' scam." whispered Frank proudly

"Well, can you do it somewhere else. You're ruining my 'I have titties so I get free shit' game. Get out of here Frank." said Dee

"Well, ok, but let me get some more beads first so that I get flashed." said Frank, as helped himself to Dee's beads and just took a handful of them.

"Oh, oh, God, god dammnitttt." said Dee annoyed, not wanting to make a scene by denying an old man with 'AIDS' from having cheap plastic beads.

"Well, whatever, fine, you do your fake cancer thing while I do my titties thing." said Dee

"Its AIDS." said Frank

"Whatever." said Dee, as she flashed the next float that passed by, this time getting a smaller payout from the woman on the float, giggling.

"Hey, shouldn't we call the cops." said a random woman standing some 20 feet away. "There's children around here."

"Nah. Don't worry bout it. Theres like 50 other people seeing it. I am sure one of them will do it." replied her husband

"Oh, ok" replied his wife

Dennis was enjoying his time with the frat buddies and several coeds. He slowly tagged along, as they walked down the street moving further away from the parade, presumably to meet up with more people.

**boink** A mid-sized Nerf football struck Dennis in the back, causing him to spill his beer all over the place.

"God damnit." yelled Dennis

"My bad." said a 9 year-old boy, attempting to throw the ball to another 9-year old boy.

"What is it with these kids playing ball. Shouldn't they be at home watching cartoons or something." said Dennis

The scenery around them was largely a mixed crowd; families with children, packs of college aged friends, several elderly couples. A little over half wearing green. Several children throw footballs or baseballs around in the nearby area. Several cops were clearing out people from the street, putting up barricades.

Mac and Charlie were slowly walking in the opposite direction of the parade, catching whatever they could. As a giant carrot got thrown and the woman in front of them doesn't catch it, it hit the ground and broke in two.

"Ten second rule." said Charlie, as he picked up the raw carrot piece and ate it. They walked some more, picking up fallen beads and Charlie picked up a piece of fallen broccoli and ate it raw.

"Dude, I think we should turn back. We're like walking away from the parades, but we should be going back the other way." rambled Charlie

"No dude, trust me on this." said Mac, as he nearly tripped over an abandoned bag of beads, vegetables, plastic cups, and other babble.

"Oh my God, I can't believe they just left their trash like that." said Charlie

"I know right. Who does that." exclaimed Mac, as they looked around, and then slowly looked at each other.

Without skipping a beat, they went for the abandoned bag stuffing their Walmart bags with their steals.

"Dude, I just have an awesome idea. What if like instead of trying to catch beads, which is pretty hard to do, what if we look around for abandoned catches." said Mac

"Well, dude, I mean, isn't that like stealing." said Charlie

"Well, I mean, no dude. I mean they left their stuff, so its like public property." said Mac

"Ok, yeah, but like what if they like come back?" said Charlie

"Ok, how about this. I have an awesome idea. We do a thing where we provide a service where we watch other people's stuff like when they go to the bathroom and stuff and they give us some of the stuff. "said Mac

"I mean, yeah, we could do that. Whats the VIG on that." said Charlie

"But I was thinking more like a trade thing, where you know, we trade you like 10 beads for 1 carrot, but then we like trade 2 carrots for 10 beads, that kind of thing." continued Charlie, as the two argued about the best scheme to get the most beads

Out of nowhere, a giant bag of bag of beads and a cabbage head is in the air, with a clear shot for Mac to make the catch. Mac catches the cabbage and puts it in the bag.

"Dude, what are doing?" asked Charlie

"Well, I am going to cook this whenever I get back. Dude, like everyone knows that gay men make the best cooks." said Mac

"Well, I mean yeah. But like wasn't the bet whoever catches the most beads." said Charlie, as Mac jumps up in the air to catch a wildly thrown frisbee.

"Dude. But you can actually eat vegetables and besides frisbees are a lot harder to catch, so they're worth a lot more." said Mac

"Well, no dude. The bet was whoever catches the most BEADS. All the other stuff doesn't count. Dude, I don't even know why are you carrying the other stuff around. You should like either throw it out or trade it." said Charlie

"Well no dude. I'd rather catch cups and coins. We already have enough beads." rebutted Mac

"Yo Denis, does cups & coins & fruits count 4 our bets." texted Charlie, to Dennis

They continued bickering over what to catch as their bags were getting full. Suddenly, from a distance, Mac saw a frisbee thrown from three floats down. Mac, judging the wind and spin figured (correctly) that its trajectory would turn towards them; stopped the conversation mid sentence and went for it.

Mac shoved a middle-aged man, making him spill his beer, and juked several people around him. A ten-year-old girl and an elderly grandma got slightly pushed out of the way. Mac tuned everything and everyone around him out focusing on the frisbee.

In Mac's head, he was in the middle of Lincoln Financial Field running towards the endzone. The frisbee was the football, with only a Cowboy's and a Giant's corner standing in his way from making the game winning touchdown. Mac leaped in the air making the one-handled catch as a sea of Eagle fans went wild cheering him, gripping their beers. The Eagles stadium touchdown horn blasted. The horn and cheers grew louder and louder, as Mac slowly got up and dusted himself off, about to do a victory dance.

The score horn continued to get louder and louder until Mac snapped out of it. A tractor carrying a float slammed on its brakes as the driver blew the horn, with Mac jumping out of the way in the last second. A cop from a distance yelled at him. As Mac regained focus, the "Cowboy's and the Giant's defenders" were just two random guys, one wearing a gray t-shirt and the other a blue one. The sea of "cheering Eagles fans" were parade goers on both sides of the streets, decked out in green. Several cheered and clapped, impressed by Mac's catch while the majority completely ignored him, cheering at the floats hoping to get beads thrown to them.

Charlie was on the other side of the street, separated by floats and a marching band. Out of nowhere, Charlie ran across the street between a high school marching band and the next float while a cop spotted him from a distance.

"Whoa dude, that was awesome" yelled Charlie, hauling a bag of catches while the bag was on the verge of ripping.

"Dude, that was like worth two dozens of beads right there. I mean it doesn't count because its like not part of the bet and I didn't record it, but like dude, you're the bead winner in my book." continued Charlie, as their Walmart bag ripped.

"Hey, you two. Over here." yelled the cop sternly from a distance

"Oh shit." said Mac, as the two scoped up as many beads as possible, fumbling, attempting to outrun the cop.

"You need help with that." said the random parade goer, wearing a green t-shirt that read 'You pinch, I punch' as he offered them several empty grocery bags.

"That was one hell of a catch" added the random parade goer

"Thanks dude" said Mac, as the two packed their beads into the bag.

"I suggest you double bag it." said the parade goer

The cop was separated from Mac and Charlie by the next slow moving float. "Dude, just follow my lead" said Mac, as they melted into the crowd.

First they ran, then slowed down to regular pace as the cop crossed the street and slowly pursued them. Some 5 minutes later the cop caught up with them as they played dumb. Another giant bag of green beads was thrown in the air, which Mac and Charlie ignored as a group of people went for it.

"Man that was fun, but some of these people take a bit too far." said Mac loudly, intentionally within the earshot of the cop, pretending not to see him

"I know right" said Charlie

"I wonder where these kids's parents are. That can be dangerous." added Mac, gas-lighting the cop.

The cop, not sure if these are the same two running into the street given his distance and their now controlled behavior, figured its not worth the paperwork and went back to yelling at idiots playing on the streets.

"Dude, I can't believe that worked." said Mac

"I know, right." said Charlie, as the two made their way back to the frat hangout

Dee , separated from Frank, was catching her fair share of the beads. Unfortunately, the lion share went to the children in front. "God damnit, I am never gonna catch any beads with these children around. They're gonna get all the catches, I better find a better spot." muttered Dee to herself.

She walked over about a block or two. As the next float rolled by, she flashed her breasts catching a sizable amount, but still less than several non-flashers despite being the only one flashing at the crew.

Dee was annoyed that her catch rate isn't as much as she expected, but also annoyed that her bags are getting full and heavy.

"Gimme that."

"No, I had it first" said two random 10-year-old boys, fighting over a plastic alligator they caught simultaneously, as they bumped Dee and nearly knocked her over playing tug-of-war for the toy.

"Gimme" said one of the kids, making a fist, as Dee got annoyed by the fighting.

"Hey, wanna see something cool." said Dee to the kids

As they turned their attention to her, she quickly flashed them.

"Woah, do it again." said the kid, as they both scrambled to give her the plastic alligator

"That was awesome." said one of the kids, as they hive-fived each other, and one quickly snapped a picture on his phone when Dee flashed them again.

"Hey, gimme your number so I can send you these." whispered the kid to the other

"Still got it." thought Dee to herself, while double-bagging her catches as she noticed the first bag starting to rip.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing." said a 40-something year old woman, the mother of one of the children, witnessing Dee flashing her boy

"You better get the hell outtah here before I call the cops." said her husband sternly and angrily, as Dee walked away meekly, as the dad turned his attention to his kid.

"What the hell did I tell you about fighting with other kids for catches, get yer ass over hear..." the dad continued yelling at his kid.

"I will be praying for you. I've seen bigger miracles than this. You might beat it." said a woman in her 60's, comforting Frank about his non-existent AIDS.

"Here you go sweetie." said the woman, giving Frank a ton of beads.

"And here you go." said the woman, as she flashed Frank, as he had a big smile on his face continuing the scan.

"Maybe I'll even get lucky and bring these women to the apartment" thought Frank

Dennis and the frat bros slowly walked back to their hang out location. The younger college guys hung out in the front, flirting with random women and goofing around. The older guys, some in their 40's, including Dennis; sat back and relaxed talking about the good old days, some talking about their married life. Dennis meanwhile just slowly sipped on beer and relaxed, sitting in his folding chair. As the 10th float out of the 20 rolled by passed him, Dennis enjoyed ogling at the high school dance team between the floats.

"Ah, nothing can ruin this perfect day." Dennis thought to himself as Dee, Mac, and Charlie slowly walked towards him, hauling their catches.


	17. Chapter 17 -- Parades, part 3

**Chapter 17**

 **Parades, part 3**

 _Wednesday_

 _St Charles Street_

 _New Orleans_

 _5:30 PM_

Dennis was enjoying himself, sitting his folding chair sipping beer, ogling young women; as the sun slowly began to set. Out of nowhere the rest of the gang were running up towards where he was sitting talking over each other, interrupting his buzz.

"This is bullshit." said Charlie, as he's chewing on baby carrots from a plastic bag, and then suddenly bites into a raw small potato he picked up from the ground.

"Come on back me up on this Dennis, my vegetables count for like at least a dozen beads" he continued

"What, no. The bet what whoever catches the most beads." said Dee, in a highly pitched, highly agitated voice; pulling out her stash of the prettiest beads one can catch.

"Ok, well, we still beat you even just counting the beads." said Mac, as he pulled up a ton of small beads he caught.

"What, no, you call those beads." said Dee

Frank meanwhile proudly displays the beads he caught with an annoying giant smile on his face, not even close to the number the rest of the gang caught; and then proudly shows off the pictures of boobs he took on his phone; not even caring about the bet at this point.

"Well, I mean technically, its whoever has the highest quantity of beads even though Dee's are better." said Charlie

"Oh, enough. God damnit" it yelled Dennis, annoyed as all eyes where on him to make the judgment call, as a couple of girls caught more beads and put them into his binder.

"Wait, what. Thats bullshit." yelled Dee. "She's doing all the work. Thats clearly cheating."

"Yeah, I call shenanigans. That is a technical foul, you're outta here." said Charlie, in one of his annoying fake accents, some cross between a fake Cajun and the accent he did when reffing the community service game.

"Yeah, you should totally be disqualified." said Mac, annoyed and intense, as the gang reverted back to arguing who won the bet; further annoying Dennis

"God damnit. Everyone STOP. You know what, fine. Fine, lets just call it a tie." said Dennis pointing to his stash of beads, clearly larger than all of their catches combined.

"You know what, fine. Whatever. Can we just enjoy ourselves for one day without pointless arguing." said Dennis

"Ok, yeah, I can go with that." said Mac

"But we all can still try to catch as much beads as possible just for fun." asked Charlie

"Ok, fine. You and Mac do your thing where you steal unattended beads. Dee, you flash your mosquitoes bites you call breast. Frank, you do, whatever it is that you do." said Dennis

"I tell women that I am dying from AIDS so they feel bad for me and flash their breast at me." interrupted Frank, proudly

"Whatever, meanwhile I will hang out with my frat half-bros and enjoy the parade." said Dennis, as Mac and Charlie were chatting with several drunk 18-year-old college guys, trying to set up a convoy to most efficiently move stolen (or legitimately caught) beads across the parade route.

"Guys, just an FYI, in case I don't come back for you and you're worried about me, its cause I am having sex with one of the broads I scammed." said Frank, frankly

"Well, shouldn't you like be telling them that you like have cancer instead of AIDS. I mean I am just saying." said Charlie

"Yeah, dude, thats a good point." said Mac.

"Hey, I am getting kind of hungry" said Dee

Charlie jammed several baby carrots into the rest of the raw potato he caught, then unwrapped a moonpie; and spread it on the potato and finally tore a raw cabbage leaf and wrapped the whole thing around the potato; and took a bite into it.

"Well, I guess I can trade some of my cabbages for beads." said Charlie

"Um, no thanks." said Dee, as she decided to stick around Dennis and the rest of the older guys in the fraternity.

Mac and Charlie walked away, while explaining their convoluted plot to several drunk 18-year-old frat guys more interested in flirting with young girls.

"Ok, so we trade beads for cabbages on these blocks on that side of the street because they have like an excess of beads, and then we trade back cabbages for beads because they have a shortage of beads over here. Also, whatever you find lying around unattended is fair game if you call dibs. Guys, we need you to stick to your zone, and pass it on to the next guy. Your VIG is 25%" said Charlie, pretending he's a college football coach, showing them his poorly drawn map on a brown napkin paper

"Yo dawg that is so dope." said one of the young guys, excited at the chance to participate in wacky college fraternity shenanigan. The rest of the guys started following Charlie and Mac's instructions, poorly, getting constantly distracted with young women in the area.

Meanwhile, Dee and Dennis where hanging out as the next marching band marched by.

"Oh my God. I totally should be in that. I would make an awesome actress." said Dee

"What, Dee, no. You're too old. No one is going to believe that you're still in hi-" said Dennis, as Dee got annoyed by what she perceived to be another insult

" _Oh yeah, I'll show him._ " thought Dee

"Yoo hoo. Hey boys." said Dee, as she took off her bra in the middle of the street

The frat guys, and several people around, spontaneously drew their attention to her. Some started chanting "tit-ies, tit-ies, tit-ies", some gave her whatever beads they had on them.

"God damn it Dee." said Dennis, both annoyed and embarrassed, and also slightly jealous of the attention she was getting from his bros.

Several of the guys grabbed a handful of beads out of Dennis's pile to give to Dee.

"Come on, God damnit it. Those are my beads." said Dennis annoyed, while everyone was ignoring him.

"Oh come on guys. Bros before hoes. You can do a lot better than those mosquito bites." continued Dennis, annoyed that his 'buddies' had 'betrayed' him as they showered Dee with attention and beads.

Dee gave Dennis an evil in-your-face smirk as she looked back at him.

"Oh come on. God damnit it Dee, you're embarrassing me. And you're embarrassing yourself. I mean this is what you're willing to do to get young guy's attention, I mean quite frankly, its beyond pathetic Dee." said Dennis, while everyone just ignored him. Dennis just kept on getting more agitated the most people ignored him and the more his bead supply dwindled as Dee was now getting the lion's share of it.

"HEY. HEY. Stop this right now." yelled an a angry cop, staring Dee down coldly, then looked around the scene. A couple of young guys backed away slowly trying to melt into the crowd to avoid getting busted for under-aged drinking.

Dee looked around. The fraternity guys all had a "oh snap" looks on their faces. Several families with children stared at her. The cop stared her down coldly. Dennis had a satisfied smirk grin on him.

"All right party's over. Any further commotion from any of yall, and I am making arrests for disorderly conduct." said the cop, annoyed.

"You, young lady, come this way." said the cop, as he ordered her to sit on the curb away from the crowd.

"Any more bullshit out of you and I am taking you in." said the cop, as he wrote her a misdemeanor ticket and took down her information and ordered her to sit on the curb for the rest of the parade, and walked off; too lazy to bother making an arrest and dealing with the paperwork after

The frat guys and Dennis all looked at each other awkwardly.

"Well, that was that I guess. We have like 5 floats left." said a frat bro

"Yeah man, this was pretty cool. I swear man, you guys know how to party. I used to think that New Orleans was nothing but Mardi Gras. But you guys can even make St Patrick's Day interesting. I swear, short of riding on those of those floats, I can't think of anything better than going to one of your parades." said Dennis

"Oh, we can totally do that." said the bro

"What." asked Dennis

"Yeah man, I know people. Its like $150 a person. I can totally hook you up." said the Frat guy

"Oh wow, thats awesome" said Dennis

"Yeah man, the guy I know is riding Sunday down in Metairie. They can still fit in two more people. I mean you won't fit your whole gang, but they can still come to our after-party which is pretty tight ." said the bro.

"Well, if we're being honest, I only need one. I have my doubts if the rest of my gang would appreciate the experience." said Dennis, throwing the rest of his gang under the bus.

Their chatter continued for another 20 minutes or so as the last float rolled past them, and they exchanged information. Charlie's group of drunk 18 year-old guys, some not even part of the frat, came back with a few bags of catches / steals. Charlie and Mac got excessively excited at the sight of the cleanup truck trailing the parade, and started following it, taking video's and selfies. Dee was finally relieved from her punishment as the cop came back and allowed her to leave.

Eventually, the gang met up and made their way back to the frat house.

"Hey guys, I am going to stick around with my frat guys and spend the night. Knock yourselves out." said Dennis, as he handled Dee the keys

"Come on Dennis, don't you want to bring the party back to our place. I can cook an awesome meal with all the vegetables me and Charlie caught. Hey, who wants to party back at our place" said Mac, as most of the frat guys ignore him

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll think I'll party with these guys." said Dennis, as he flirted with several young women in the frat

"Ok, well, lets get back I guess." said Dee, with low energy

Meanwhile, several young drunk 18-20 year-olds, 75% male, who got kicked out from the frat party for not being members and being annoying, pleaded to get in.

"Yo, over here, who wants to party with us at our place" yelled Charlie as Mac added "I am an awesome cook." trying to get the group's attention.

"Come on it" said Dee, flirtatiously as some of the guys packed into her car while the rest got in with Mac and Charlie.


	18. Chapter 18 -- The Gang Gets Schooled

**Chapter 18**

 **The Gang Gets Schooled**

 _Thursday_

 _Back at their apartments_

 _Westwego_

 _9:45 AM_

"Ohh, my head hurts. What happened last night." asked Dee, as she and the rest of the gang woke up with a headache.

"I think we threw a wild party or something. Too bad I don't remember it." replied Denis. "Also, how did I get here."

The apartment was a mess, with beer cans and uncooked meals everywhere. A used condom was lying in the corner. A little bit of vomit laid here and there. All but one party guest had left, as Tortuga was still hiding under a couch in the corner from all the noise.

"Ok, so what are we doing." asked Frank

"Well, I am going to visit several colleges in the area. I found a couple ones on Google Maps" said Charlie

"What?!" said Dennis

"Do you even know how to read. Also, you're getting kinda too old to be on a college campus anyway." retorted Dee

"Objection. I do know how to read thank you very much. I was like the top 40% in my adult education reading class. I am telling you man I am going places. Besides, they're like con'um'er colleges where like people drive there and like not live there and stuff. They got older people there too." retorted Charlie

"Alright, whatever Charlie. I don't care, do what you want." said Dennis

"Besides, I want to like experience the _real_ New Orleans, not like just the tourist stuff. So like I want to like go where like the _real_ people are and stuff." said Charlie

"Charlie's got a point. Besides, most college students are already kinda slobs anyway, Charlie would fit right in." said Mac

"Yeah, well, I want to march in a parade and do my acting bits. I am going to enroll in a random local high school that does parades." said Dee

"Oh, found one right there on Google Maps. Only 21 minutes away." added Dee

"You know what. Fine! Fine! Whatever. Dee, I'll drive you to a high school where you can try to convince people that you're not too old and pretend to enroll there. Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie, you do your stupid college thing where Charlie pretends he's actually smart enough to get admitted. Frank, you do whatever it is that you do." said Dennis, annoyed.

"Well, ok, I am just gonna hang out on Bourbon Street near St Ann Street. I've heard they have a lot of good gay bars down there. And I guess Charlie, I can drop you off by the bus station on your way to college, since its on the way." said Mac

"Well, yeah, that sounds like a plan, but I was more thinking you should go to St Claude. They're like more authentic New Orleans gay bars, not like the touristy ones on Bourbon." said Charlie

"Well yeah, I will go to the ones on St Claude as well later once I get bored. They had pretty good reviews there as well." said Mac

"I am going with Dee and Dennis. I am not hanging out with a bunch of ferries that have AIDS. I mean no offense." said Frank

"And I am going with them. I gots a ride from Bourbon by one of my homies. Ya dig." said their last guest, a 22-year-old white college kid, offering Mac $5 for the ride.

"Ok fine Frank, you tag along with us. Whatever." said Dennis, as the 6 of them went off towards their cars, while several neighbors gave them dirty looks.

"Ya'll try keeping it quiet next time." yelled a neighbor

"You one of dem Air n B people? You make so much noise last night, ain't got no respect for your neighbors, and messing up our property values." yelled another, as they went to their cars and drove off.

 _ **Near the high school**_

" _... who's gonna walk you through the dark side of th..."_

" _...well that sounds like the kind of girl Big Al would dat..."_

" _...Hey Spud, I just want to make a comment. I think that Trump's economic pla..."_

"God damnit it Dee, pick a station and stick with it." said Dennis, annoyed as Dee kept toggling through the radio stations.

Meanwhile, three teenage boys walked side-by-side through the residential neighborhood towards the school on the sidewalk parallel to Dennis and Co coming back from their recess break, picking up their pace before getting a tardy

"God damn nanny state. This is bullshit, why are we slowing down for high school kids. They're old enough to drive, they should be old enough to not get run over by a car." said Frank from the backseat, referring to the reduced school zone speed limit, as they found a parking spot nearby and entered the high school.

"Ok, so whats the plan. I am gonna tell them I am her dad and we just moved to the city?" asked Frank

"No, Frank. You're just gonna keep quiet. I'll do all the talking." said Dennis, annoyed

"How about you can be my grand dad." said Dee

Two 16-year-old boys in letter-man jackets walked passed them, smiled and waved; as Dee smiled and waved back at them in a flirtatious manner

"Oh god damn it Dee, what are you doing? You're embarrassing yourself." said Dennis

"Be careful Dee, it could be a Me-Three movement trap. I hear even under-aged guys can now sue women for smiling at them as well these days." said Frank

"Shut up Frank." said Dennis. "Ok, lets just get this over with."

"Now Dee, I don't think anyone will actually believe that you're young enough to still be in high school, and this thing probably won't work, but I don't have anything better to do. You and Frank just keep quiet while I do all the talking." added Dennis, and the three walked into the principal's office.

 _All 3 talking at the same time_

"Listen, we just moved to town, and my retarded sister would like enroll. She has a condition where she looks older than she looks." said Dennis

"Look, you enroll my daughter to this school right now. My other half-child is a practicing Bird Lawyer and he will sue this place for discrimination. I am telling you guys if yo..." said Frank

"What. God damnit it I am not retarded and you're my grand dad, not my dad." said Dee

"Look, we come from a long family history of premature aging, so we all look older than we are, but my sister really wants to go here." said Dennis

"Dee also has AIDS. Like me. Her dying wish is to march in a high school parade." said Frank

"I do not have AIDS Frank ok. Don't listen to them, listen, I was the best actress in Philadelphia High before I transferred. If, when, I get accepted here, I would make a a great actress in your Mardi Gras Parade." said Dee, in an annoying, fake actress accent

"I am telling you, she may not look like it, but my 16 year old girl is a perfect fit for this school, and if you don't admit her, my half-child Charlie will sue you to the ground." said Frank

As the three continued bickering, talking over each other, while trying to talk to the principal; he gave a puzzled look at his secretary out in the distance. _"Lawsuit. Is this a prank."_ the principal lip talked, looking around the room for hidden cameras.

"Guy! Guys! GUYS!" yelled the principal, annoyed at the three talking

"Its not even the beginning of the semester. You would be responsible for the whole tuition." said the principal, then sighing.

"So let me get this straight. Yall moved from Philadelphia. You want to enroll here, and you're her grand-father, and you're her brother speaking for her but doesn't plan on enrolling her. Is this some kind of prank. April Fools is three whole weeks away you know." said the principal nonchalantly

"And also, we've checked with our lawyers on this before." said the principal annoyingly, sighing uncomfortably.

"No offense Ms Reynolds, but I just don't think that you are a good fit for Rummel High." said the principal, annoyingly


	19. Chapter 19 -- King Me

**Chapter 19**

 **King Me**

 _Thursday_

 _New Orleans_

 _\+ the metro area_

 _10:45 AM_

" _... who's waking up to drive you home when..."_

" _...Hey, I just want to make a quick comment. I think that the tariffs are a bad idea..."_

" _...Well, I don't think Big Al would date Kelly..."_

" _...Now, some people say that the tariffs are a bad idea. But others say that they're a good idea. Give me a call, you're listening to Spud, we're be right back after ..."_

"What are you doing Charlie?" said Mac, as Charlie played with the radio

"Well, I am just trying to like find a real local station, so that I can like be like an _authentic_ New Orleans guy and hear what the _real_ people have to say." said Charlie

"Thats actually a good idea. Well, your bus stop is here, see you in a few hours." said Mac, as he dropped Charlie off near the French Quarter, while looking for a place to park.

 _Back at Rummel High School_

"God damnit it Dee, I told you no one would believe you're young enough to be in high school" said Dennis in a condescending tone. Dee, ignoring his insult, waved flirtatiously at a pair of guys walking

"Wait, hold on. Something's off." said Dennis, as he looked around.

"Dee, did you research this school at all." said Dennis, pulling out his phone as they walked back towards their car. Dee pulled out her phone and did likewise.

"GOD DAMNIT IT DEE!" said Dennis

"Oh. Go.. God damnit." said Dee, as she pulled up the 'about' section on the school's website

" _..Rummel Catholic high school, founded 1962 serving young men in our community. Committed to providing excellent values…"_ Dee continued reading

"Why the hell did you try applying to an all boy's school." said Frank. "Now you're going to have to identify as a boy before they sue you for the Me-Two movement for sexually harassing them."

"Shut up Frank." said Dennis "Why the hell did you try applying here." he continued

"Well, how am I supposed to know. I just randoml..." said Dee, cutoff mid-sentence

"Well, so we go back there." asked Frank

"Oh, absolutely." said Dennis and Dee simultaneously, as the three turned back walking towards the principal's office, barging in while he was on the phone

Talking at the same time.

"Look, I didn't know Rummel was an all boys' school. I thought you just thought I was too old." said Dee

…

"You're not gonna sue us for the Me-Two or Me-Three movement? But you have to be honest, does she look young enough to pass for a high school student?" said Frank

...

"Hey, I just realized I am actually supposed to march in the parade Sunday coming from this place anyway. Can you do me a solid and just let my sister Dee march." said Dennis

...

"God damnit it Dennis, I am not retarded. Also, yeah, I am getting older, get over it. Its not like you would have passed for a high school boy either Dennis." said Dee

…

"HEY! ONE AT A TIME. ONE AT A TIME. HEY, GUYS." said the principal, gradually raising his voice until the three stopped talking, trying to piece together everything they said

"So let me get this straight." he continued, highly annoyed as he had to disconnect his phone call

"You three are on vacation from Philadelphia. You are one of the people marching in the annual St Patrick's parade because of your connections at a fraternity, and you lied about your sister being retarded hoping to get her in the parade as well." said the principal at Dennis disapprovingly, continued as he turned his attention to Dee

"And you are an aspiring actress who fraudulently lied to me about being high school age just so that you could enroll in Rummel High for a week and march in a parade, but by random chance chose an all-boys high school." said the principal, giving Dee a dirty look

"And you, their father, encourages this type of behavior." said the principal sternly

"...welll... I mean. ... If you put it like that...?" said Dee nervously, as the three looked around the room silently. The room suddenly got uncomfortable, with no one willing to break the silence, as the principal stared the three down coldly.

The gang looked at each other, not sure what to say next. The principal sent a text back to his previous caller, the head coach of an opposing team, discussing travel logistics and some friendly banter between the two, lost in deep thought.

"Well, we are kinda short on volunteers to chaperon our parade march. I was kinda hoping we wouldn't have to cancel at the last minute in case someone bailed. I was kinda hoping we could find some responsible adults to help volunteer in the last minute. But God sent ya'll instead I guess." sighted the principal, breaking the silence, as he got up and directed them to follow him towards the break room.

 _At the University_

Charlie got out of the bus, carrying a notebook, pretending to be a student, randomly milling around eavesdropping on random peoples' conversations. "King me" said a random student as he played a game of checkers between classes.

Charlie eventually made his way the cafeteria, getting himself a roast beef poboy, some Okra, hashbrowns, and grits. _"Man, this is some authentic New Orleans food."_ thought Charlie, as he stood in line waiting to pay with cash as the students nearby paid mostly with their mandatory meal plans.

As Charlie finished his meal, he continued milling around campus until he finally entered a building with a lot of students in. A large hall, with nearly 500 students in attendance, Charlie snuck his way into the back.

"Hey, I was out last week, we still on the STI chapter?" whispered a random student as Charlie shrugged.

 _The French Quarter_

Mac milled around the quarter near Bourbon Street and St Ann, the gay section. He randomly entered several clubs, getting a cheapest drink possible; while flirting with random men in the area. _"Oh man, I should have came out years ago. How much of my life have I wasted."_ thought Mac

"Can I buy you a drink." said a random, older guy in his 50's

"Sure." said Mac, scoring as many free drinks as he could, too cheap to buy his own, continued flirting. Meanwhile, a loud preacher was yelling about the evils of homosexuality some 20 feet away through a megaphone

"Oh. My. God. These guys again." said a random club goer, in a slight lisp

"If I wasn't on vacation, I would totally be a bouncer for this place. No one would fuck with this place if I was around." said Mac intensely

"Ohhh. You sexy thing. This place could use a tough guy like you." said another club goer, as Mac felt flattered at the thought of others thinking he's a tough guy.

 _Back at Rummel High School_

The principal led the three to the break room, as Frank just helped himself to donuts and coffee lying on the table. Dee and Dennis would raid the refrigerator as Dee found some left over King Cake.

"We still have some left over King Cake from Mardi Gras. We were gonna throw it out but I am sure its still good." replied the principal, continued

"Anyway, as I was saying, we are looking for volunteers to chaperon the kids. Is that something you would be interested in." talking to Dee, as she ate the King Cake.

"Sure, and I can do my acting routine." said Dee. _"Ouch. What the hell."_ thought Dee, biting on hard plastic as she continued eating the king cake. A couple of random teachers walked in.

"Well no, you would just march." said the principal nonchalantly, as Dee was trying practicing random acting gestures

"Oh hey, this is Ms Dee Reynolds, our latest volunteer to chaperon the parade. And this is..." continued the principal. "They're on vacation from Philadelphia visiting our fine area, trying to get a more authentic experience."

"Welcome yall. I see you're eating the king cake. Just remember, if yall find the baby it means you have to buy the next cake." said the teacher jokingly, as Dee discretely moved the plastic baby between her teeth and lower lip upon hearing that.

They continued introducing themselves, shaking hands, milling around and making small talk. "So, I hear that you're an actress and a stand up comedian in your spare time. Do you have any funny jokes for us." said the teacher, continuing her friendly banter.

"Well, I mean not on the top of my head." said Dee, slightly lisping with the plastic baby wedged between her teeth and lower lips. As the random conversations continue, Dee slowly and discreetly made her way to where the garbage and recycling bins were, answering questions with as few words as possible. As no one looked, Dee quickly spit out the plastic baby and throw it out.


End file.
